INTERNUTS Digest Tue, 07 Oct 1997 Volume 01 : Issue 10 Today's Topics: is space curved? Are they really lusers? (Computer ULs) Does a tree falling in the forest make a sound?...not exactly! Fourth Amendment Bill Airline Legends Oh, shit! Another airplane thread percentage rules Schwarzenegger! punch lines only Dr. Who ATM stories The horror of the repressed English psyche (was: Back of fork?) Clowns ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:20 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: is space curved? Message-ID: <344d1a68.218016697@mail.qis.net> On Fri, 3 Oct 1997 00:10:18 -0700, in alt.folklore.science Toby wrote: On Thu, 2 Oct 1997, David B. Greene wrote: > peter@cara.demon.co.uk (Peter Ceresole) wrote: [space curves?] > >They showed that light would bend in a gravitational field. So yes, = they > >did. >=20 > >What's your problem? >=20 > Well gee, I guess it is with people like you who cannot read, Peter. = So > does space curve of is light bent? Light bends. We may attribute this to the curvature of space, or to the playful and capricious nature of light, playing around with our scientists' minds = like that. I bet they're laughing it up right now. "We fooled them!" they'll say. "They think space is curved! Ha!" Naughty, naughty light. --=20 We have lingered in the chambers of the sea By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown Till human voices wake us, and we drown. http://members.tripod.com/~Tesseract/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:21 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Are they really lusers? (Computer ULs) Message-ID: <344a1a49.217985618@mail.qis.net> On Sun, 05 Oct 1997 19:10:19 GMT, in alt.folklore.science Publisher@SIXthEstate.com (Mark W. McBride, President/CEO) wrote: Did you hear the news? On Thu, 02 Oct 1997 14:00:04 GMT, our ether buddy mpowers@mail.widowmaker.com.DELETE-THIS-PART spaketh thusly: :)I overheard an office conversation today about supposed stories of :)computer users and the silly things they do. Mentioned were... -clip- :)Can somebody tell me if any of these things actually _did_ happen? I used to head a now defunct software company called Scandinavian PC Systems, Inc. Among other items, we published "John C. Dvorak's PC Crash Course and Survival Guide" and a follow-on guide for winders. The Dvorak product was the first plain language DOS tutorial in the U.S. and, as such, was used by many schools and beginners. Yes, many of these actually were questions for the technical support staff. The one about soldering the pins and photocopying diskettes for backup are hard to swallow. We had some pretty weird ones. There were others you didn't mention ... one who folded a 5.25 inch floppy to fit in a 3.5 inch slot. Way, way too many who used the top of their monitors as floppy storage (erasing data because of the magnetic field). Another who used Windex on the disk to clean the disk. Too many who would shake their system while running like the problem was a loose tv tube ... thereby trashing the hard drive. Way, way, way too many who would call us and ask us how they could pirate a copy of their friend's WordPerfect, Quatro Pro, DOS upgrade, how to get past a shareware timelock, or even make a copy of our software for their friend, etc. (The answer to your next question is: No, we didn't ... on any of the piracy questions.) Explanation to an elderly gentleman that a problem could be related to memory and his adamant response was his memory was just fine, thank you very much. Another who couldn't read data from his original 5.25 inch DOS diskettes so he cut the square out from where a write allow notch would be located; similar result from someone trying to filed files that had the Hidden attribute. Etc. Most of this was just related to frustration though. The best come from the companies themselves. My personal favorite was when a spokeswench for Central Point, hyping their crap during the Michelangelo scare, told CNN that the Michelangelo virus originated in Scandinavia. CNN broadcast it all over creation. As I said, the company I ran was named Scandinavian PC Systems, Inc. Guess what happened to our tech support and sales lines after that? I just love Central Point! [During this scare, CNN also noted that Michelangelo virus only could be transmitted on the older, 5.25-inch floppies and not the newer 3.5-inch floppies; that Dr. Solomon's Anti-Virus Toolkit was the best defense against computer virii in general because it was developed in Israel, a country whose computers are always the aim of crackers, etc. I swear it happended! I saw these segments myself!!!] Hope that helps. Best, Mac ------------- Please note that my return address has been changed to thwart spammers. Remove the capital letter middle initial. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:22 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Does a tree falling in the forest make a sound?...not exactly! Message-ID: <344b1a58.218000930@mail.qis.net> On Sun, 05 Oct 1997 15:41:20 -0700, in alt.folklore.science hgibbons@_stic.net (Hugh Gibbons) wrote: In article <3437f4e3.30710441@news.mindspring.com>, (Rodney Munch) wrote: > On 4 Oct 1997 23:38:10 GMT, amiri@dartmouth.edu (Amiri K. Barksdale) > wrote: >=20 > >In article <3436BF9E.194B@atlas.nelpoly.ac.nz>, = csu@atlas.nelpoly.ac.nz wrote: > > > >> > Ok...I'll bite. > >> > Does a stealth bomber make a sound if it crashes? > >>=20 > >> A hell of a noise > > > >To end philosophy once and for all: sound is waves of air. Waves of = air > >occur whenever anything moves. >=20 > Not just waves of air. It could be waves of any matter. No, this is a common misconception. Sounds occur whenever people=20 notice activity, even in the vacuum of space. This has been extensively documented on Star Trek. You can hear an explosion whenever anything blows up in space, even if you are separated by a kilometers of vacuum. I was skeptical about this until supporting data came in from Star Wars and more recently, Babylon 5. --=20 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:23 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Fourth Amendment Bill Message-ID: <344e1ddc.218900979@mail.qis.net> On 3 Oct 1997 12:30:46 -0700, in alt.folklore.suburban Lilabner wrote: The vote in question was on an amendment to H.R. 666, "The Exclusionary Rule Reform Act of 1995."=20 H.R. 666 (I won't comment on the number) was designed to limit the = ability of defendants to exclude evidence from their trial on the grounds that it was gathered by unlawful search and seizure.=20 The amendment lost 121 in favor to 303 against. The author of the amendment, Rep. Watt (D-NC), said in the debate: "Mr. Chairman, Members of the House, this amendment would simply have the effect of providing that evidence could be admitted into court after a search and seizure providing that the right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated, and no warrant shall issue but upon probable cause supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched.=20 If this language sounds familiar to the Members of this body, it is the exact language of the fourth amendment of the U.S. Constitution...."=20 Rep. McCollum (R-FL), the primary opponent of the amendment, said: "Mr. Chairman, I think everybody here needs to understand that though the gentleman may be acting quite in good faith, and I know he believes sincerely what he is doing, Members need to understand that this = amendment guts the bill as it now is written altogether. While the gentleman is offering a provision of the Constitutional language that clearly is already there, and we might all want to say, `Hooray, we are going to = vote for that,' what we have to realize is the gentleman is saying we are = going to put it in a place in this bill that comes very early in the bill, = after about three lines, and then strike the entire rest of the bill, H.R. 666, so there will be no good-faith exception for any purpose in this bill = when it is done. All we will be doing is reproducing in bill form the fourth amendment to the Constitution. In essence, it is another way of voting against this bill. If you want to vote the bill down, it is another way to proceed to do that.=20 It is demeaning, in my judgment, to the Constitution in the second order of things to go out and reproduce the Constitution or 1of the 10 amendments in the Bill of Rights as a statute. It is in the most sacrosanct document we have. It is in our Constitution. I do not think = it calls for any reproduction to ratify our belief in the Constitution in some statutory form."=20 Go to http://loc.thomas.gov/home/r104query.html and search the Congressional record for the 104th Congress for H.R. 666. You'll get about 50 results -- look for the February 7th debate. -- stv ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:26 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Airline Legends Message-ID: <34501f47.219263776@mail.qis.net> On 2 Oct 1997 00:51:44 GMT, in alt.folklore.suburban wrote: I worked the phones for American Airlines for some time, and discovered that the travel industry is rife with ULs about the 'INfrequent flier.' = Of course, these stories always happened to "someone that a friend of mine used to work with...I forget her/his name." A couple which come to mind:=20 The lady had never been on a plane before, and (prior to takeoff) was complaining to the flight attendant about her window seat assignment. It turns out that she was concerned that, once the plane reached full speed, her hair would become "a tangled mess... I just had it done!"=20 The flight attendant responded to the bell from the call-button above a certain passenger's head. When she reached him, he was shouting "I'll = have a cheeseburger!" into the air vent. Another variation on the overhead flight attendant call-buttons is the "babysitter." The FA (in response to the bell) arrives at the passengers' seat to have a mother hand over her baby to have his diaper changed. The older woman in the wheelchair hadn't been on a plane since her girlhood. She proceeded to ask the gate agent questions about 'the crane' - "How will I be strapped in?" "Is it steady; will I rock around?" "How high is the door to the plane?" Apparently, she believed that (since she was unable to climb the stairs)she would be hoisted into the aircraft by crane. These stories are unlikely to be documented anywhere, and yet they have been heard by many people in the travel industry. There may be some basis of truth to them. =20 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:28 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Oh, shit! Another airplane thread Message-ID: <345123bc.220404640@mail.qis.net> On 1 Oct 1997 06:17:59 -0400, in alt.folklore.urban lrudolph@panix.com = (Lee Rudolph) wrote: cindy@nvg.unit.no (Cindy Kandolf) writes: >Paul Tomblin (ptomblin@xcski.com) writes: >| In a previous article, tindall@panix.com (Bruce Tindall) said: >| >But the pilot of the Indonesian airliner that crashed recently = seems to >| >have had a frame of mind more eschatological than scatological. = According >| >to the Associated Press, the last words audible on the radio from = the >| >plane were "Allahu akbar!"=20 >| =20 >| The last cockpit transcript I read (I read a lot - I subscribe to = "IFR >| Refresher") the last words were "I love you, Janet".=20 > >Your local certified language mechanic would just like to be difficult >and point out that, on a low quality recording, "Allahu" and "I love >you" probably wouldn't sound so very different. So, was the pilot named Jeff? Lee "no academic who ever used to try to e-correspond with UK colleagues would be surprised to learn that a pilot who loved janet=20 might have trouble with directions" Rudolph ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:30 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: percentage rules Message-ID: <34532470.220585015@mail.qis.net> On Sat, 04 Oct 1997 17:20:26 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban TonyLima@ms.spacebbs.com (Tony Lima) wrote: On 26 Sep 1997 15:36:55 -0400, bradham@panix.com (Bo Bradham) wrote: >Sanford E. Walke IV wrote: >>Kim (21329KAD@msu.edu) wrote: >>>=20 >>>How do you feel about "showing up for work, and on time" as a quality >>>you would want in an employee? >> >>You get paid to show up for work. Whether or not you show up has a=20 >>strong impact on whether or not you get paid. =20 > >Or as the great philosopher Woody Allen said, "90 per cent of success is >in showing up." "90 percent of life is showing up." - Allen "80 percent of everything is crap." - Anon "72 percent of everything you show up for is crap." - Tony ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:32 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Schwarzenegger! Message-ID: <34542876.221614598@mail.qis.net> On Fri, 3 Oct 1997 21:43:11 +0100, in alt.folklore.urban Mike Holmans wrote: Lee Rudolph felt like saying: >Helge Moulding writes: > >>Bif wrote: >>> : >(Pflug) >>> : Nothing happens. >>> : You are in the corner of an Austrian field. >>> : You have: >>> : Accent >>> : Quadriceps >>> : Photogenic Kennedy kid >>> It is pitch scharwz. You are likely to be eaten by a grue. >> >>Flex Quadriceps > >You can't use the quadriceps to open the egger. > Drop accent. Mike "it is rocky" Holmans The exciting AFU FAQ, and many other things, may be found at=20 http://www.urbanlegends.com ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:33 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: punch lines only Message-ID: <34572b53.222347711@mail.qis.net> On Sat, 04 Oct 1997 10:29:09 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban bdonovan@execulink.SPAM-OFF.com (Bill Donovan) wrote: >"Charles Wm. Dimmick" wrote: > >>Pat McCraughtch wrote: >>>=20 >>> Many years ago on the amusing television show "Barney Miller" (with >>> the hilarious, gut-busting Steve Landesberg), Sgt. Wojciehowicz was >>> complaining about something and Barney said, "It's just your turn in >>> the barrel." I, of course, knew the whole joke and was surprised it >>> would make it on the air. Could it have slipped past the censors >>> because they didn't know the joke or someone told them it meant >>> something else? >> >>If no "dirty" words are used, and finding the hidden meaning=20 >>requires that you already know the joke, what is there to censor? >>Reminds me of the story about the psychiatrist giving an ink-blot >>test to a patient. > >Johnny "Cue the pony" Carson was famous for this sort of thing.=20 > >I recall a comedy show many years ago where several famous comedians >stood up and did nothing but punch lines from well-known dirty jokes. >Brought down the house. > >>Charles Wm. "me? You're the one drawing the dirty pictures" Dimmick > >So the dog says "I never had five dollars before." [more:] >> Because they can('t make a fist). >> We can save the lady but the cowboy's a goner. >> No, you stupid horse. I said get the _posse_. >> You stupid nurse! I said prick his boil! >> OK, now where's that eskimo woman I'm supposed to shoot? =20 >> Two-fifty, just like at the Waldorf. >> That's okay. We're not welcome in [name of supermarket] either. >>"Well, you could hold onto this camel for me..." >>"Is that you, Bubba?" (heard on Monday Night Football) >> Sheep lie. >Well, if it's anything like kangaroos, darling, we're gonna need all the >room we can get. > >Mike "animal crackers" Holmans ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:35 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Dr. Who Message-ID: <345931dd.224022648@mail.qis.net> On 2 Oct 1997 10:32:03 -0700, in alt.folklore.urban lstowell@pyrtech.mis.pyramid.com (Lon Stowell) wrote: Michele Tepper wrote: > >I believe that I have in fact heard of Doctor Who -- it was the idea of >machines that only issue statements that tripped me up. Our local PBS stations only showed the pedanticised remake of the series "Dr. Whom". =20 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:36 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: ATM stories Message-ID: <345b32ba.224243234@mail.qis.net> On 2 Oct 1997 09:36:58 -0400, in alt.folklore.urban bradham@panix.com (Bo Bradham) wrote: Greg Hartman wrote: >We have numerous "freestanding" ATMs here in Portland--at the grocery >store, in some convenience stores, etc. Most of them look pretty sturdy >and tough to move; I suspect they're bolted to the floor. > >I have a book titled "Man Suffocated BY Potatoes" which has a numbers of >ULs in it. One story, the voracity of which I have no idea, allegedly >happened in Sydney. Two guys drove up to an ATM built into the side of a >bank with a front-end loader, which they used to rip the entire machine >right out of the building--security camera and all. It happens. I posted a news stories of couple of examples already, and since then I've found several more. Here's a "trend" article from the Wall Street Journal about it: : Suskind, Ron : Bank Robbers Find Automated Tellers a Real Convenience : Wall Street Journal : May 17, 1991 : Modern-day bank robbers are targeting ATMs because of the lack of problems that are posed with live tellers. With 77,000 ATMs in the US serving about 120 million cardholders, there is plenty of money sitting around, usually $10,000 to $50,000 when the machines are replenished on Fridays for the weekends. Police in the New England states are having a problem with increasing incidents of ATMs being stolen. A lot of those incidents might not make it past the lo cal news, but once it happens a lot it is reported as a "trend." But these "trend stories" don't report a lot of details (location, time, etc.) because that's not what the article is about. The next day, it's watercooler gossip. Before long everyone has heard that "thieves yank ATM machines out of the wall" but they can't tell you of one specific example.=20 And lest you think it's unique to the USofA: : Leander, Tom : Norwegian Thieves Make Off with ATM : American Banker : Jan 30, 1990 : Thieves in Norway made off with a freestanding automated teller machine worth about $27,000. The machine contained $16,200 in cash. And as if getting robbed at an ATM machine or having it stolen out from under you isn't enough to worry about, here's a case of a huge off-by-one bug biting an innocent fellow: : Buckman, Rebecca : ATM Photo Worth 1,000 Apologies : USA Today : Aug 19, 1991 : In a case of mistaken identity, New York City police routed cabbie James Hairston from bed and grilled him about a rape and robbery. Police thought he was the man pictured using the ATM card of a woman who had been raped and robbed shortly before. The bank's equipment matched the photo with the wrong transaction. >Much scarier, though, is the all-too-true account of the folks who stole >an ATM from a warehouse, stuck it in a mall for a few days (no one asked >any questions) and programmed it to say "Sorry, out of cash" while it >was recording the customers' account numbers and PINs. They got the >records from the machine and cleaned a passel o' money out of a handful >of banks. Yep, we've had lot's o' threads about that one.=20 Bonus stupid-criminal-story found while researching this one: : Makeig, John : Major goof; major time : Houston Chronicle : Aug 28, 1993 : Joseph Charles Dixon, a three-time ex-convict, was sentenced to life in prison for a residential robbery in which he stole a pulse card. Police found him several minutes later at an ATM after he had asked his victims where the nearest one was. Bo "I'll be making my get-away now. Anyone know of an old abandoned cabin I can use for a hideout?" Bradham --=20 "If it's their mistake, tough. If it's our mistake we negotiate." - Overheard ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:37 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: The horror of the repressed English psyche (was: Back of fork?) Message-ID: <345c33fb.224564542@mail.qis.net> On Wed, 1 Oct 1997 19:30:42 +0000, in alt.folklore.urban procida@cf.ac.uk (D.M. Procida) wrote: Vicky Chapman wrote: > You did _not_ put the cutlery down, unless you had finished. If you had > finished, they had to be placed together, operating ends away and to = the > right at a 45 degree angle. >=20 > Absolute silence was required to eat, you had to wait at the table = until > everyone was finished, and then you had to ask to be excused from the > table. The true horror of the repressed English psyche only really struck me on the occasion that I had supper (they called it "dinner", of course) at the house of a friend of mine. Her mother had been cooking all afternoon, busy in the kitchen preparing the supper. When it was time for the meal, she placed all the various dishes with the lamb, the vegetables, the other vegetables, a third kind of vegetables, the potatoes (the English don't consider potatoes to be vegetables), the gravy and whatever else was there on the sideboard. Her father indicated that we should all sit down. We all sat down. He began to carve the meat, and served the food (or at least the manly parts of it. I think her mother might have been allowed to help with the less manly food, like the beans). Eventually, he sat down again, and signalled that we should pick up our cutlery and begin eating. Conversation was civil, if a little strained. I hesitated to engage myself in it fully, even when someone started spouting some tripe repeated from a television programme about alien abduction and related topics. I had never heard of the programme before, but it seemed to be typical of a certain kind of documentary-for-idiots. I merely said "hmmm, uh, perhaps" in a diffident fashion at various points. The programme was called _The X-Files_, by the way. Anyway, I was far too busy watching what they did with their bread so that I didn't inadvertantly commit some dreadful Continental solecism. At a certain point my friend and her brother Mark both embarked upon a sentence at the same time. Her father held up his hand to halt them. They paused, watching him. Then he indicated with his hand. "Mark," he said. Mark continued. I stared in astonishment. One by one we cleared our plates of the food, until only her father was still eating. Of course I, being a foreigner with the manners of a wolf, had been the first to finish. Everyone carefully placed their cutlery on their plates and their hands in their laps and waited. When at last he finished, her father put down his knife and fork and looked round the table. "Now," he said, "Who would like a second helping?" And so it began again, only to be repeated for the cheese and the dessert. I didn't leave the house that night, I *fled*. Ever since then I have absolutely refused to sit at the head of any table, terrified that I too might become a patriarch. D.M. Procida --=20 "...the so-called support act, The Awkward Moments, climbed onstage unsmilingly, not even looking at the audience. They only played one song: "Autobahn". In German. For twenty minutes. Then they swaggered off, not once having acknowledged the crowd. Conceited arrogant swine." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 21:23:38 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Clowns Message-ID: <345d358e.224967371@mail.qis.net> On 6 Oct 1997 09:12:33 -0400, in alt.folklore.urban bradham@panix.com (Bo Bradham) wrote: MADDADDY wrote: > > The other story I heard groing up I read later in a book by Mr. >Bruanvand (I don't think I spelled his name right) author of such >books as "The Mexican Pet", "Curses, Broiled Again" (which I believe >this story was in!), and "The Baby Train". The story about a van load >of clowns going around with weapons killing children. Needless to >mention this one scared the hell out of me! The version I had heard >was they had long swords and would leap out of the van kill the child >and get back in the van never to be seen again! > Please help me out if anyone has heard any variations of thesecond one >or have at least heard the first one please write back! Thanks, The clowns-in-the-van story is in "The Baby Train" under the heading "Homey the Clown." Brunvand found outbursts in 1991 and as far back as 1981. Usually the story is that the clowns go around kidnapping the children. It still pops up every now and then. Here is a recent report: : Melillo, Wendy : Funny faces have turned frightening : Washington Post : Jun 13, 1994 : Ever since a man dressed as a clown allegedly tried to lure children into his white van in Southeast Washington DC, Fonzie the Clown and Balloons Inc has received 15 cancellations within a week from parents who do not want clowns at their children's parties. But the reason I'm posting this article is so I can re-use this item: : Warn Children About Phony Clowns : Chicago Defender : Oct 9, 1991 : An editorial calls upon Chicago-area adults to warn children about a person seen impersonating a clown and attempting to lure children into a van. When I first found that I read it, posted it, and read it again, but someone else had to point out to me the absurdity of the idea of "impersonating a clown." Bo "look at the shoes!" Bradham --=20 "If it's their mistake, tough. If it's our mistake we negotiate." - Overheard ------------------------------ End of INTERNUTS Digest V01 Issue #10 *************************************