INTERNUTS Digest Fri, 10 Oct 1997 Volume 01 : Issue 12 Today's Topics: whine wine Power Window Choking ancient number cults -- Pythagoras legal paper clowns St. Jude's Novena what is a K? Elephants and Mice DOG JOKES from rec.humor How to get rid of Jehovah Witnesses (fwd) Re: Proper Grammer golf joke (fwd) Re: Bad Analogies Contest Bad Analogies Contest maintenance log Is ATHEISM a DISEASE of the MIND? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 07 Oct 1997 22:04:32 GMT From: jKschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: whine wine Message-ID: <343d66d1.68496103@mail.qis.net> On Tue, 07 Oct 1997 12:36:55 +0100, in alt.folklore.urban Ben Walsh wrote: Lon Stowell wrote: > "The only proper way to enjoy a bottle of cheap screw-top wine > is to grasp it firmly by the botton, bash the top against your > Harley, wait for the pieces to settle, chug the wine, shout > "YeeHaw" and pass out." As many as one in seven bottles of wine is corked, tainted or off because of a dodgy cork. This could be prevented almost completely if the industry adopted screw-tops and pop-tops instead. That's what it says in a book called "Wine Snobbery" anyway. I'm inclined to agree. I've seen people who claim to be experts drink stuff that the untutored can spot as tainted. Partially because they're in de Nile and don't want to admit they've just spent wads of cash on bad wine. ben "what a corker" w. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 07 Oct 1997 22:04:54 GMT From: jKschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Power Window Choking Message-ID: <343ea3cd.6243773@mail.qis.net> On Tue, 07 Oct 1997 11:56:40 -0400, in alt.folklore.urban Soumen Nandy wrote: I have long wondered if I was the only one who was tripped up by the incredible array of 'automatic seatbelt' idiosyncracies among the different makes/models. To add to the injury, I am generally very mechanically adept -- but the seatbelts never try to assassinate my many astoundingly mechanically clueless friends and relatives. I think I gave up around 1986-7, when a rented Ford Taurus not only trapped me in the seatbelt, but flashed a message on the dash that impelled me to lift the Emergency Release Lever. The only effect of the Emergency Release Lever was to light a message on the dashboard "Please release that lever". I eventually extricated myself and went inside, where I gathered a bunch of friends and re-enacted the incident. It happened in exactly the same way. And again when I took the car back to the rental agency. After considerable experimentation, we discovered that there was a specific order of operations (i.e. when one stopped the car, shut off the ignition, opened the door, etc.) that allowed one to get out of the car unimpeded. Alas, it wasn't the same as in other cars I've driven. I suspect that it corresponds *only* to the habits of the rental agency mechanic who decided "that damn screwy seatbelt is fixed now" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 08 Oct 1997 18:33:45 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: ancient number cults -- Pythagoras Message-ID: <343ec204.79525546@mail.qis.net> On 8 Oct 1997 15:44:20 GMT, in alt.folklore.science ami@gladstone.uoregon.edu (Adam Hardin Price) wrote: Christopher Kings-Lynne (nospamchriskl@tartarus.uwa.edu.au) wrote: : > However, one of the fundamental principles of his philosophy, as I : > understand it, is that every number is rational. Now, of course, he : > stated this in geometrical terms, not numerical, but that's the gist : > of it in any case. Therefore, not only is it unlikely that he proved : > that the square root of 2 is irrational, it would also be anathemic to : > his philosophy. : > However, one of the fundamental principles of his philosophy, as I : > understand it, is that every number is rational. Now, of course, he : > stated this in geometrical terms, not numerical, but that's the gist : > of it in any case. Therefore, not only is it unlikely that he proved : > that the square root of 2 is irrational, it would also be anathemic to : > his philosophy. It was anathemic to his philosophy. He lived in a religous commune with his wife and several dozen other math worshippers (I am not making this up) To gain entrance, a prospective had a lengthy purification process to complete. Pythagoras didn't want impure people mucking up either his mathematics or his pristine commune grounds. When he became aware that Sqrt 2 was irrational, he was devastated. He threw everyone out of the commune, including his wife and didn't talk to he outside world for a couple of months. He got over the shock eventually, but was never able to remuster the fervor that entices a following. At least he can be commended for not taking the existence of irrationals as evidence of the impending apocalypse and inducing a mass liberation, a la Heaven'sGate. There is a super article about this in that large glossy magazine that MAA puts out. It was sometime around december 96. -Ami ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 08 Oct 1997 18:33:45 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: legal paper Message-ID: <343fc2d2.79731836@mail.qis.net> On Tue, 07 Oct 1997 23:15:39 -0700, in alt.folklore.science hgibbons@_stic.net (Hugh Gibbons) wrote: In article , slavins@hearsay.demon.co.uk.NOJUNK (Simon Slavin) wrote: > ObUL: USAsians use Legal size paper because that was the best-selling > size back when suppliers decided to stop carrying lots of different > sizes. This is because the USA has so many lawyers. Nope. Legal size paper sells for the same reason that most USAsians never remove the tag that says "DO NOT REMOVE from their pillows." They secretly fear being caught in possession of non-legal-size paper and having to pay a fine or maybe do jail time. This is a direct consequence of the law being so complicated that most folks have a very vague understanding of it, hence the need for lawyers, who have only a somewhat vague understanding of it. -- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 08 Oct 1997 18:33:47 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: clowns Message-ID: <3440c781.80930918@mail.qis.net> On Tue, 07 Oct 1997 22:01:43 +0100, in alt.folklore.urban slavins@hearsay.demon.co.uk.NOJUNK (Simon Slavin) wrote: In article , drew@furrfu.com (Drew Lawson) wrote: > bradham@panix.com (Bo Bradham) wrote: > > > When I first found that I read it, posted it, and read it again, but > > someone else had to point out to me the absurdity of the idea of > > "impersonating a clown." > > ". . . and that furthermore the accused did willfully, and with > malicious intent, engage in acts of red nose wearing and face > painting." Your Honour, the accused was apprehended while acting suspiciously in Morten High Street and found to be in posession of tightly curled blond hair, thick red lips and size 28 shoes. When asked why he was dressed in that manner he replied "Hey, just 'cause you're ugly, no need to point out other people's deformities.". He was further charged with insulting behaviour. Simon. -- Simon Slavin -- Computer Contractor. | The mind abhors a vacuum. Without http://www.hearsay.demon.co.uk | facts, they'll fill their heads with Check email address for spam-guard. | fantasies. Junk email not welcome at this site. | -- Jonathan Kellerman: _Time Bomb_ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 08 Oct 1997 18:33:48 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: St. Jude's Novena Message-ID: <3441c825.81095390@mail.qis.net> On Tue, 07 Oct 1997 21:08:53 -0700, in alt.folklore.urban Eric Sieferman wrote: RCLippman@Hotmail.com wrote: > > May the Sacred heart of Jesus be adored and glorified, loved and preserved > throughout the world, now and forever. Sacred heart of Jesus, pray for > us, St. Jude, worker of miracles, pray for us. St. Jude, helper of the > hopeless, pray for us. If someone prayed to St. Jude in the hope that such action would result in a positive outcome, then one would be disqualified from the ranks of the hopeless and would immediately become ineligible for assistance from St. J. So, the only way to receive help from Jude is to ignore him completely and wallow in dark despair, as long as said wallowing is not done in the hope of gaining succor. > Say 9 times a day for 9 days. By the 8th day, > paryer will be answered. After getting the Big Reward on the eighth day, what's the purpose of an additional day of prayer? If one skips out on the final day of ritual, is the assistance repossessed? ----- Eric "thrity years since my last confession" Sieferman ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:15:58 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: what is a K? Message-ID: <34582d25.75715809@mail.qis.net> On Thu, 09 Oct 1997 14:24:14 +1000, in alt.folklore.urban Eric Hocking wrote: Jeremy W. Burgeson wrote: > Double sided, double density disks have > 40 tracks > 9 sectors per track > 2 heads > 512 bytes per sector > > This adds up to 368640 bytes, or *360* KB. > > Jeremy Try and explain _that_ to someone who's never heard of binary maths (or is that base-2?). One story told in a computer mag was that on landing a programming job advertised as $40K/year, successful applicant demanded, and got, $40,960. Evidently when the company pointed out they meant $40,000, applicant pointed out that they were in the computer biz and should know what 40K means. -- Eric Hocking "A closed mouth gathers no feet." Remove "nospam." from header for Email address http://www.ozemail.com.au/~ehocking ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:16:03 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Elephants and Mice Message-ID: <344c0ff4.68241327@mail.qis.net> On Thu, 09 Oct 1997 09:57:56 +1000, in alt.folklore.urban Eric Hocking wrote: David Meiklejohn wrote: > The San Francisco zoo say not[1], but then where did this rumour > start? The > people in my office all "know" that elephants are scared of mice. > -- > David Meiklejohn > David.Meiklejohn@gssec.bt.co.uk > BT Glasgow Engineering Centre > http://yi.com/home/MeiklejohnDavid I witnessed behaviour in a herd of 15-20 elephant at a salt-lick in Kenya. The group ranged from extremely large beasts to young 'uns. The group, over a few hours, faced down and chased off a bull buffalo (which itself had faced down a stalking lioness), 2 rhino, numerous hyena and the aforementioned lioness. Oddly, when a scavenging white-tailed mongoose (about the size of a large house-cat) wandered into their midst, the elephants appeared to be quite disturbed, flapping their ears and backing away from the mongoose. The group didn't settle down until the mongoose had returned to cover. Clearly this is only a single observation, but I'm sure not the only one. And no way am I going to say "I saw it so it must be tr......". I may even have it on video. Is it their eye-sight? Perhaps they're not able to sort out what that little creature running around at their feet is and get disturbed, whereas something the size of a lion is more easily determined? Don't know. But as soon as it happened, practically everyone recalled many a Bugs Bunny cartoon, with the elephant/mouse scenario. -- Eric "be vewy, vewy quiet....." Hocking "A closed mouth gathers no feet." Remove "nospam." from header for Email address http://www.ozemail.com.au/~ehocking ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:16:05 GMT From: jKschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: DOG JOKES from rec.humor Message-ID: <344a0fe1.68222420@mail.qis.net> On Wed, 01 Oct 1997 17:33:21 -0700, in rec.humor Luccha wrote: Buddah wrote: > > What do you call a dog with no legs? > > Doesn't matter what you call him he ain't gonna come. Two women were waiting in a veternarians office. "What are you here for?" "My kitty keeps scratching up the furniture so I'm having her declawed. And you?" "Every time I bend over my doggie starts humping my ass." "So, your having hime neutered?" "No, I'm having him declawed too." -- http://members.tripod.com/~singhsingh/haha.htm ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:16:07 GMT From: jKschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: How to get rid of Jehovah Witnesses Message-ID: <344b0fe6.68227759@mail.qis.net> On Sat, 04 Oct 1997 09:14:41 -0500, in rec.humor Lou Stewart wrote: Skip wrote: > > I an usually get rid of them by saying I'll be happy to listen and buy > several Watchtowers AFTER we all recite the pledge of allegiance > to the flag. If that doesn't work I turn on the lawn sprinklers. I keep > thinking I'll see them melt. > > The LDS missionaries are great. They always leave when I tell them > to. When I see them in the neighborhood I start playing catch up > with my car repairs and tell them that I'd like to hear what they have > to say but I have to get my car done. Within the last year they have > put new shocks in my truck, replaced spark plugs and one (wasting his time > as a missionary) replaced a drive gear from my transaxle. They are > so nice that I listen politely for five minutes and take the Book of Mormon. > I give it to my neighbor, as do the rest of the people in the area; he donates > them (about 100 a year) to the local Mormon church and gets a receipt so > he can deduct it from his taxes. > > Skip There was a guy who decided to get rid of JW's by making them pledge allegiance to the flag when they came to his house. When he heard they were in the neighborhood, he put a big flag on his livingroom wall and waited. Sure enough, the doorbell rang, and two ladies were on the doorstep. Hi invited them in, and said, "Before I will listen to what you have to say, we must pledge allegiance to our Nation's Flag." So they all pledged allegiance, and when they were finished, he asked the visitors, "And what do you think of that?" One of the women said, "Well, I have never been asked to do that, in all my years as an Avon Lady!" 8-D Lou Stewart ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:16:08 GMT From: jKschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: (fwd) Re: Proper Grammer Message-ID: <344e1262.68863494@mail.qis.net> On 4 Oct 1997 05:57:10 GMT, in rec.humor bmoke@aol.com (B Moke) wrote: Captain Nitpick wote: >bmoke@aol.com (B Moke) wrote: >>The "r" has pretty well disappeared over the past generation. >>It's never coming back. >>This is supposed to be a humor group. > >No, this is supposed to be a humo goup. Good one! I'm olling on the floo in mith! best egads, Bob ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:16:08 GMT From: jKschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: golf joke Message-ID: <344f132d.69066638@mail.qis.net> On Fri, 03 Oct 1997 04:32:18 -0500, in rec.humor Manly Matt Schulman wrote: A guy has a week off and decides to plat a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and as he catches up to the woman in front of him, he sees that she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all, he had a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the golf coarse for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss, and then she unzips his pants and thanks him with oral sex. The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He is actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she beats him at the last hole; again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, never the less, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't figure out what the fuss was about 'til eventually she admits the reason: "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, he pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," 'she' replies. "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You lying bastard! You've been playing off the ladies' tees all week!!" -- These words of wisdom from "Manly" Matt Schulman [manlymat@bcscom.com] ---------------------------- To reply, please remove the obvious addition from my address ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:16:11 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: (fwd) Re: Bad Analogies Contest Message-ID: <3451147f.69404042@mail.qis.net> On Wed, 08 Oct 1997 21:55:11 GMT, in rec.humor Never@your.door (Capt. Meat) wrote: bedwarm@SPAMBLOCK.geocities.com (Bobby Tendinitis) wrote: >I attribute the following post to Cheri Bogowitz: > >> Do you have what it takes? >> Get your creative juices flowing and enter your bad analogy into the >> Bad Analogy Contest Thread here at rec.humor. > >The car sped by rapidly like a motorized, unfeathered, metal bird with wheels. > >John sipped his coffee slowly, like a man who goes to the supermarket and finds out >they don't sell Chia Pets there. > >The mailbox glimmered in the sunlight like a man who carries envelopes around in his >mouth and glimmers in the sunlight. > >Thomas wept softly, like a bomb that detonates quietly, and drips water out of its >eyes instead of detonating. She slapped my face like a sadistic obstetrician. I avoided her like a hooker with a canker sore. He grinned like a born-again Christian on parole. She fucked me like Greta Garbo riding a donkey. I smell like an unemployed soap-tester. She eats so loudly, you'd think Shelly Winters was giving me a blow job. Wednesday is like ship-wrecking on a barrier reef, getting just halfway across a six-lane street. The cat hissed like Eartha Kitt on Halloween. Capt. Similies As-Like, Inc. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:16:12 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Bad Analogies Contest Message-ID: <345214ad.69450804@mail.qis.net> On Thu, 09 Oct 1997 04:12:20 GMT, in rec.humor rosenfie@students.beer.wisc.edu (David Rosenfield, King of Northumbria) wrote: OK, here are my entries: The toilet festered like the number seven, it's flush-handle sweating like the little cross mark that Europeans put on it to distinguish it from the number one. The Jolly Rancher disolved in Peter's mouth like a mouse pad, thick and full of mushrooms, such as is found in a newborn baby's spit-up. Jonas shuffled the playing cards with the expertise of someone who could tell you the names of all 101 dalmations, but not identify them by their spots. He drank down the water as greedily as King Henry I sucked money from the English nobility through the levying of danegelds. -----------------(rosenfie at cs dot wisc dot edu)------------------ "Archbishop Dunstan, indeed, had foretold his unworthyness, having discovered it by a filthy sign: for when Ethelred was a tiny infant, just as he was immersed in the baptismal font, with all the bishops standing around him, he defiled the sacrament with an abundant bowel movement." - 12th century historian William of Malmesbury http://www.itol.com/~slforbes/david/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:16:13 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: maintenance log Message-ID: <3453183c.70362143@mail.qis.net> On Sun, 05 Oct 1997 12:52:57 +0000, in rec.humor Tim Cook wrote: da_bull@computrek.org wrote: > > If you know any joke about the airlines, please post it. > This is a repeat copied from this NG: Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order." Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." Tim {:o)} ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:16:14 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Is ATHEISM a DISEASE of the MIND? Message-ID: <345419f0.70798069@mail.qis.net> On 3 Oct 1997 18:53:53 GMT, in rec.humor "THE BIG PIG" wrote: ^..^ --(:)OINK! __||__(oo)___||___ ---||---"--"-----||--- __||_( __ )___||___ Received the following from Poor Innocent Guy Asa of Montgomery, Alabama: Web IQ? IS THIS AN EXAMPLE OF INTELLIGENCE ON THE WEB? Asa Subject: Is ATHEISM a DISEASE of the MIND? From: Armelda Newsgroups: alt.atheism, talk.atheism, alt.atheism.satire, alt.religion Hi again, athiess, satanists, murderers, jews, pedophiles, whatever. I'm sorry I haven't been able to post for the last two weeks; my computer was at Circuit City for reparis,. To level with you, the damage was pretty much all my fault. When I noticed one morning that the chassis vibrated a little, I tried to sit on it and ended up cracking the whole case. Oh well, live and lrearn I guess. Fo cvourse, I got in trouble with Mom and dad. The snet me to my room in the basement early, that night, then told me that I was grounded and would have an earlier bedtime. I think this was destined by God. Everything has a purpose. My bedroom is right next to the dryer, so needless to say, I've been getting a lot of laundry done. And smoetimes, when the clothes are tumbling in the dryer, I like to turn out the lights, sit on top of it and think. And every once in awhile, in these circumstises god touches me and I have a sudden major pifany of thought, a realization if you will because the one notrr all in your mind it's chemicals, right? Not God! Definately not! Ha!" say atheists. So here I will post some of the pifanys I have reached over the last couple weeks., I hope they help to contruibutate smoethig to the group. Pifany #1: First of all, athiestm needs to be approached like a sickness of mind, like any other form of dementia. This may not sound like a major realization in fact its prety obvious to most smart people, but it is important. Did you no that the ADA lists athiesm right after homosexuality in its alphabatical listing of mental illnesses? (dad bought me a book) What does this tell you? THNIK, PEOPLE! No matter what the radical athiest lobby tells congress to tell the people to think, the proof is in the pooding, and this pooding has skin. And this skin is brown not because it is inferior but because it has more carbon in it. It is WRONG to descriminate against people of another color! Vanilla pooding, chocolate pooding, it's all the same stuff: celluloid. This is why atheism is a mental illness. Celluloid clogs arteries. Clogs up the HEART! Hearts should be filled with love, not hatred! Atheists eat too much pooding, and then there's no room left in their heartss for Gid,. Only Cellulose. This is metaphoric. It's like the poodling. Different color, different taste, but still pooding, all the same. Why don't people understand this. Food colors treat different puddings, and modern medicine treats mental illnesses. Like schizophrenia. Like chleroiss. Like hemmoroids. Preparation-H think of how many people died waiting for THAT simple cream! But now it's okay. One little injection of proteast inhibitors and its over, AIDS is. A tasty cocktail of protease inhibitors cures AIDS now. Again so simple. But it will most likely be given only to the gay community. And the rest of us will be left with what? Pooding? I wouldn't doubt it. Heaven's gate members killed themselves because they clogged up their hearts, supposed to be the center of love, but instead they ate pooding and died. If I got pooding, unlike most athists, I wouldn't throuw it away just because it's not the color I wanted. I'd try to look beneath the skin to see what color it really is. In its soul. Metaphorically, of course. It all comes back to the heart. So why would any man want to use a vacuum pump to enlarge his gentila? That's just sick. And that was pifany number 1. Pifany #2: The pain and suffering in tthe wrold increases tenfoled evertime it is iterated. You need some bliblical knowledge to understand this. In Genesis, God created the world. He created it good, and then created a perfect man, with perfect gentila, Adom. (That's where the term "Adam's apple" comes from.) But then one summer Eve came along and ruined it. This is why women need to be subjuncted to men. We always want selfish things. Just add a "l" to her name and it spells "evil." God then punished Eve and every generation of women after her, by giving them what is called a minstrual cycle. Our souls bleed to remind us of Eve's sin, and we have to be cleansed of it. (That's where the brand name "Summer's Eve" comes from.) See? One seemingly small act of evil is iterated and it becomes worse and worse and worse. It's simple Chaos theory. Only when all women choose to accept God and seek forgiveness for Eve's sin will their monthly cycles of punishment stop...unfortunately, this comes very late in life for most women. It doesn't have to be that way! It is very sad that some of you don't even know the difference between Adam & Eve and Sonny & Chair! GET A CLUE! YOu need to learn more and accept Gid now1 Me, having already accepted God, have never had to endure what my Dad calls "Eve's Naughty Punishment." And I'm only 13. Some women don't achieve what I have until their in their forties of fifties. SOme not at all. This is how I know I am one of GOd's chosen oness. My soul never bleeds. That was piffany number 2. Pifany #3: We can all learn from pain, it is the circle of life. Let me retell a story to you that our Sunday school teacher told to our class once. It is really very sad. it is clled, "Love You Forever." I remember most of it, but I will add more detail to it so you can see the many christian overtures that are hidden in the story. One day, a Christian man and a Christiam feman got married and joined together in the hopes of making a baby from one of the woman's egg stock and one of the man's sprem load. Luke and Laura didn't enjoy it; no, it was not to be enjoyed, but endured as they painfully joined their gentila togethor. Just to make it more uncomfertable, the did on top of a car that was covered with shards of broked glass. Satan makes sex pleasurable; that is his plan to transmit diseaes. God specifically says in the old Testament that sex is for procreation only. Pleasure, then, is evil. Notice "Eve" coming back in again...? All in the cirle of life. But back to the story. Okay, shortly after this baby was born, Luke, the father of the baby (the one who gabe the sprem) died in a fatal car accident. He was a very fit man, and thus his death disproved the "Survival of the Fittest" theory of evilution. At his funeral, Lara, the mother, weeping soundly, locked rocked her baby's body and said "I'll love you for ever, I'll like you alot, as long as your alive, my friend you will be." As the months wore on and the baby sucked and sucked and sucked like starving leech at Lara's sadly deflated teet, she would rock him gently and repeat to him, "I'll lobe you for ever, I;ll like you alot, as long as your alive, my friend you will be." When her sone got older, she would tuck him in at night and remind him, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you alot as long as you're alive, my firnd you wilbe,." When the son got a little bit older, and went off to Christian military school for the first time, his mom embroidered the wrods into his backpack, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you alot, as long as you're alive, my friend you will be." She then gave him two packs of pooding; one chocolate, one vilhala. This taught him not to be prejidiced. The years went by, and the day gradualy turned into night. (In this version, they lived on Venus.) The son came home from school, grew up and got married. On his wedding night, his mom came with him and his wife on their honeymoon, and all the while kept pacing back and fourth repeating rapidl with her dry green serpent tongue, which was normal on Venus, "I'll love you forever, I'll lkie you a lot, as long as you're alive, my friend you will be." More years wend by. The mother became very ill. Her son came to her bedside at the Venutian General Hospital and said to her, "Mom, I'll love you forever, I'll like you a lot, as long as youre alive, my firnde you will be." And she died. The End....Or is it?! Go ahead and get a tissue if youre crying now. I don't blame you In fact, bring me one too. It had that affect on me to. As far as we all can see the emotions are for in our lives without our hearts the cause is unknown but the symtopnt are REAL. That pretty well summs up my third pifany. If you all want to know mroe, just let me know. I hope I helped,. Smoeday, I;'m going to be a wrtiter, I think. Thank you for your time. Oh, and to that Mr. Zoner who accused me of not being a "real Christian" and not knowing who Jesus was, here's what I know: Jesus Christ (or Mohammad as he is known in Muslim Country) was the Rider of the Great Cross during the final years of the mezo-cretacious period on earth. Fossil records back this up. He flew the friendly skies on his magic cross (undectable to radar thanks to modern stealth technology) much like a pagan witch-on-a-broom. "The Night Rider," as he was called, patrolled the the middle-eastern airwaves healing the sick, forgiving sin, and stealing homeland away from the Palastinians during the 1980's. All the while, Twelve Apostle Icecream reaped record profits with their delicious "Savior-on-a-Stick" dipped bars. But, just as Michael Drosnin's ominous "Bible Code" predicted, tragedy struck the Rider early in 1994 when a young anti-government militiaman named Sirhan Sirhan, motivated by passages he had read in Jodie Foster's famous novel "A Catcher in the Rye," shot him in the back at a ballroom in Harlem, right in front of of his wife, Betty, and his young daughter, Quebilah Shabazz. Jesus died that night, but luckily he was resurrected by toxic preservatives found in an oversized novelty sanitary napkin manufactured by Turin Incorporated. Nowadays, I think Jesus works the lecture circuit, and I've heard he has a book coming out from Bantam on April 1st of '98. Kit, his stealthy cross, I know for a fact is currently on display at Universal Studios Hollywood if anyone wants to go see it. It's definately worth the price of admission: It talks! Hope this helps, Mr. Zoner. PIGS SITE OF THE DAY: Mark Twain Quotations and Newspaper Collections. Barbara Schmidt of Tarleton State University has assembled massive collections of quotations and articles by or about Twain from the NEW YORK TIMES, the ALTA CALIFORNIA, the HAWAIIAN HERALD, and other newspapers.: http://www.tarleton.edu/activities/pages/facultypages/schmidt/Mark_Twain.htm l PIGS QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor staring kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."-- Mariah Carey (:)OINK! THE BIG PIG -- (:)PIGS (Poor Innocent Guys Society) Dedicated to Poor Innocent Guys (victims of the wiles of women) and the SLOTHS (Smart Ladies of the House) who put up with them ------------------------------ End of INTERNUTS Digest V01 Issue #12 *************************************