INTERNUTS Digest Sat, 11 Oct 1997 Volume 01 : Issue 14 Today's Topics: medicine Julia Child and the Chicken math jokes more math jokes guess your age FLYING BLIND Martha Stewart's 1997 calendar fish tales Monkey Joke A city preacher worked hard on his sermon... Microsoft error message ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 19:12:00 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: medicine Message-ID: <34537d8b.79147289@mail.qis.net> The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians... *By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. *Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. *On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. *The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. *Discharge status: Alive but without permission. *The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. *The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. *The patient has no past history of suicides *Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. -thanks to Joe Markel ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 19:12:03 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Julia Child and the Chicken Message-ID: <34577dab.79179439@mail.qis.net> On Thu, 09 Oct 1997 17:22:51 -0600, in alt.folklore.urban tom.bernard@ingrammicro.com (Tom Bernard) wrote: In article <61ikn1$6og@panix2.panix.com>, bradham@panix.com (Bo Bradham) wrote: > ObAlmostUnrelatedItem: An acquaintance of mine runs the kitchen at > a boarding school & does catering on the side. He has a "3 seconds" > rule: If something is on the floor for < 3 seconds it did not get > contaminated. I have heard this same story from kitchen workers at a certain rodent-themed amusement park [1] for several years. At first, it was the afforementioned "3-second rule" but somehow, over the years, it has mutated into the "15-second rule!" Next thing you know, they'll be determining how many times a particular food item can be stepped on before being deemed unfit. Tom "filet of sole" Bernard [1] No, not Cavyland -------------------==== Posted via Deja News ====----------------------- http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Post to Usenet ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 22:08:42 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: math jokes Message-ID: <34628d21.83137954@mail.qis.net> On 3 Oct 1997 20:14:48 GMT, in rec.humor mlcook@cca.rockwell.com (Michael Cook) wrote: from: Yucks Digest V7 #7 (shorts) Date: Fri, 16 May 97 00:04:28 -0700 From: Peter Langston Subject: One Day at the MatheMexican Drive-In... From: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" From: hbaker@netcom.com (Henry G. Baker) Customer: "How much is a large order of Fibonaccos?" Cashier: "It's the price of a small order plus the price of a medium order." [Extra credit question: Which Fibonaccos size is the worst rip-off? Extra credit answer: The smallest; it costs as much as the next larger size... -psl] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Ian Ellis When I taught tenth-grade mathematics at Senator Gershaw School in Bow Island, Alberta, there was only one occasion I was at a loss for words. As we were reviewing geometry problems, one student raised her hand. "Mr. Chipman," she asked, "how do you circumcise a circle?" --Contributed to "Tales Out of School" by Ken Chipman (c) 1996 The Reader's Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kovarik@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA (Zdislav V. Kovarik) Expand (a+b)^n Solution: (a+b)^n (a + b) ^ n (a + b) ^ n (a + b) ^ n etc. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: mini-air 1997-01-08 Food for Thought: Elegant Gooeyness Investigator Laura Fuller writes: I am a high school senior. Here are the results of a three year mathematics experiment. Once each year I take my math homework, wrap it plastic, and scrunch the whole thing up and put it in into a cup of chocolate pudding. I take the cup of pudding to math class, and when the teacher asks for our homework I hand her the cup and say, "The proof is in the pudding." Three different teachers in three years. It gets 'em every time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Mark David Biesiada Never say "N factorial", simply scream "N" at the top of your lungs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: mstueben@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben) Q: What is a backwards written integral sign? A: An improper integral. Q: What is a proof? A: One-half percent of alcohol. Q: Can you prove LaGranges's Identity? A: Are you kidding? It's really hard to prove the identity of someone who's been dead for over 150 years! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 22:08:50 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: more math jokes Message-ID: <34638ea5.83525882@mail.qis.net> On 3 Oct 1997 20:15:10 GMT, in rec.humor mlcook@cca.rockwell.com (Michael Cook) wrote: The following humor is from Joachim Verhagen's collection of science and math humor, with permission. -- MLC -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Kurt Jaeger One of my undergrad professors was asked what kind of of problems would be on the final. His answer: "Just study the old tests. The problems will be be the same, just the numbers will be different. But not all the numbers will be different. Pi will be the same. Planck's constant will be the same... " Another professor, when asked how many problems there would be on the final, turned to the student and replied, "I think you will have lots of problems on the final." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana? A: Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule. Q: What's non-orientable and lives in the sea? A: Mobius Dick. Q: What do you get when you put a spinning flywheel in a casket and turn a corner? A: A funeral precession. Q: What's big, grey, and proves the uncountability of the reals? A: Cantor's Diagonal Elephant! Q: What do you call a young eigensheep? A: A lamb, duh!!! Q: What did the circle say to the tangent line? A: "Stop touching me!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: caj@baker.math.niu.edu (Xcott Craver) Here's a new one, tell me what you think. A topologist comes home from work to find his wife and daughter wailing and sobbing buckets. A police officer, who was trying to console them, greeted the topologist with a somber expression. "I have terrible news for you," he said. "While at school, your son Dave was hit by a steamroller and squashed flat. We tried to contact you immediately, but you had left your office before we could reach you." The mathematician spent a few minutes in horrified disbelief. "Did he .. did he die instantly? Was he taken to the hospital?" "He died within the few seconds it took for the vehicle to run him over," the officer said. "He was in pain, but only for a short time. We need you to come down to the morgue." So together they went to the city morgue. The officer watched as the mathematician was shown the body, a broken and flattened wreck. "Can you identify him as your son?" the police officer asked. "No," said the topologist, "but I think I can identify a pair of antipodal points." Needs work? Okay, needs work. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 22:08:51 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: guess your age Message-ID: <346490b3.84051310@mail.qis.net> On Fri, 03 Oct 1997 23:46:00 GMT, in rec.humor paularoid@crabsystem.win.net (PAULAROID) wrote: For some reason, since I turned 40 last week, I've been receiving all this "age humor." Thought that maybe some of you other folks might enjoy it as well if you haven't already previously seen or heard it. -------------------------------------------------- A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." Some times "Good Guys" wear Black Hats... ÜßÛßÜ We are the angels with rusted wings and black hats. ÞßÛÛÛßÝ ---The Black Hat Society 1997. ßÜÜÜß Paul M. Brown, aka Paularoid (sig idea - Borneo) paularoid@juno.com - paularoid@crabsystem.win.net --- * CrabSystems 2.04 I despise WINDOWS! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 22:08:52 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: FLYING BLIND Message-ID: <34659724.85701240@mail.qis.net> On Sun, 05 Oct 1997 20:13:18 -0700, in rec.humor wittyone wrote: ============= FLYING BLIND ============= One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airline are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin to panic. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief, and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're going to get killed!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 22:08:53 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Martha Stewart's 1997 calendar Message-ID: <34669981.86305737@mail.qis.net> On 7 Oct 1997 01:06:23 GMT, in rec.humor "Cheri Bogowitz" wrote: A peek inside Martha Stewart's 1997 calendar: Jan. 1: Catch up on gardening—sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1997. Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth. Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. Jan 5: Lay Faberge egg. Jan 6: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump. Jan 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews. Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know. Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy. Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes. Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs. Jan 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glad air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall. Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is. Jan 16: Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself. Jan 17: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener. Jan 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim. Jan 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen. Jan 20: Gild lily. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 22:08:54 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: fish tales Message-ID: <34679a9c.86589237@mail.qis.net> On 7 Oct 1997 12:27:00 GMT, in rec.humor "THE BIG PIG" wrote: Received the following from Poor Innocent Guy Hugh of Elmira, New York: Ten Things People Won't Say When They See the Christian Bumper Sticker or More Subtle Fish Symbol on Your Car: 10. Look, let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians. 9. Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians - they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour. 8. What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters. 7. Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW? 6. How come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail? Son, that driver is a Christian and God probably protects him from getting arrested. Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that? 5. Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road! 4. Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer. 3. No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert; it's probably gospel tracts for the road workers. 2. Oh boy, we're in trouble. Wow! We just rear-ended one of God's cars. 1. Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 22:08:56 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Monkey Joke Message-ID: <3469a1fe.88479591@mail.qis.net> On 9 Oct 97 13:57:54 GMT, in rec.humor brose@pacifier.com (Bill Rose) wrote: One day this guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender sees it and thinks its really cool so he asks if the guy would let it go to run around the bar. "I don't know about that, he gets into everything I wouldn't want him to ruin anything." says the guy. "Oh, don't worry about that! He can't hurt anything here." the bartender replied. Well, the guy lets go of the monkey and sure enough the little bugger gets into everything. He runs around the bar taking left over shots and finally ends up on the pool table. Well after playing around with the balls for a while the monkey grabs the eight ball and swallows it. "I'm really sorry about that! I truly am. When he passes it in a couple of days I'll be sure to bring it back." says the guy. "No problem! Don't worry about that. It was fun just seeing him running around." replied the bartender. True to his word, the guy returns with the eight ball and gives it back. The bartender thanked him and asked him to let the monkey loose again. A little reluctant, the guy lets go of the monkey. The monkey runs around again taking left over shots and what not. He finally comes to this bowl of grapes and begins picking grapes. The thing is he picks a grape shoves it up his ass and then eats it. He repeated this several times. The bartender being very surprised and puzzled asks: " Why is he doing that?" " Well after passing that eight ball he sizes everything first!" replied the guy. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 22:08:57 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: A city preacher worked hard on his sermon... Message-ID: <346aa2c0.88673809@mail.qis.net> On 9 Oct 1997 19:56:05 GMT, in rec.humor -BOB <-BOB@nospamvt.edu> wrote: A city preacher worked hard on his sermon most of the week and retyped it all up on Saturday night. Bur during the night his dog chewed it all up. He didn't notice until it was time to go to church. When he got in the pulpit, he said, "I had a nice sermon prepared for you this morning, but my dog chewed it up. I'm going to have to rely on the inspiration of the Lord today, but I promise to do better next Sunday." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 22:08:58 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Microsoft error message Message-ID: <346ba3bb.88924911@mail.qis.net> On 10 Oct 1997 12:03:03 GMT, in rec.humor nir-arbel@news.israsrv.net.il (Nir Arbel) wrote: I was at the Microsoft site trying to register the MSDN. There were a number of forms I had to fill out, and one of them had a slot where you could enter your FAX number, as well as a small push button beneath it reading "I do not want to receive any FAX notifications!". Having no FAX I left the field blank and checked the push button just-in-case (you never know with MS). As I submitted the form I received the following error message: "You need to supply a fax number in order for your request not to receive fax notifications to be accepted." Ciao, Nir. ------------------------------ End of INTERNUTS Digest V01 Issue #14 *************************************