INTERNUTS Digest Wed, 15 Oct 1997 Volume 01 : Issue 15 Today's Topics: punchlines R us Elephants and Mice ways to annoy your bathroom stallmate Einstein's Brane Impervious people Marilyn Manson's Past The Boston Tea Party Lawnchair-Balloon Man O'LEARY'S COW CLEARED (of starting Chicago Fire) spoon ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 12 Oct 1997 20:55:45 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: punchlines R us Message-Id: <199710122049.QAA29147@eclipse.qis.net> In alt.folklore.urban, on Sun, 12 Oct 1997 18:47:53 GMT, patrick.mccraughtch@juno.com (Pat McCraughtch) wrote: >Didn't something like this happen on AFU about three years ago? >One of the punch lines was "Ten bucks, same as in town"; I >can't remember the rest. And I don't know the joke for that one. >I'm sure that Bo was one of the participants, so such a joke >literacy survey sounds like it's right up his ...err... his "research >assistant's" alley. Julia Roberts told a punchline on Letterman a couple of years ago, only she didn't know the joke. I was laughing hysterically, both at that and on the morning radio show, 'cause the radio team didn't know the joke. Apparently many in Letterman's audience knew the joke. Here's the punchline: "Well, I don't know about that, but the peelings are killing my chickens." (Young couple, just married, going to honeymoon, car breaks down. They spend the night at a farmer's house, having sex all night long, throwing used condoms out of the window. Farmer complains, she says, "That is just the fruit of our love.") ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 12 Oct 1997 21:03:36 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Elephants and Mice Message-Id: <199710122056.QAA29526@eclipse.qis.net> In alt.folklore.urban, on Fri, 10 Oct 1997 08:59:12 -0700, TMOliver wrote: Charles A. Lieberman wrote: > > hsm@slc.unisys.com jebgr: > | the pachydermal phobia probably stems from their inability > | to perceive pedal movement. > > Even an elephant should know not to use a mouse as a pedal > Ever Timely, the latest issue of "Time", the merkin news mag for those who seek analyis a millimetre deeper than provided by the "Inquirer" (but less than is available on the Society page of the "Concho County Courant and Suburban Shopper") reports that young African bull hefelumps are engaged in a spree of Rhinocide. Have these young rogue bulls (reportedly orphaned and without male role models as teeny-humpers) overcome the species' noted fear of mice, but not being well trained at mouse identifcation (DNA testing likely contaminated and local upheaval slows snail mail delivery of results) mistuck the big hornies for the little buggers? Or, less likely, are the young rogues, exposed to Chicom cultural revulsion, seeking sexual stimulation from the rhinos' horns? Or, as Time has reported that the method of fatal injury involves "kneeling" upon the rhinos, are these young rogue hefelumps no more than short sighted Roman Catholic converts who mistuck rhinos for rural pre dieus set about the countryside by wandering Franciscans displaced by the earthquooks at Asissi? T. Bolivar Shagnasty Chair, Dept. of Neurotesticular Homopathy Pedernales Valley Junior College and Centre for the Developmentallly Differentiated 101 Lady Bird Boulevard Near Lukenbach, TX -- Famous "BigSig" on leave of absence at nearby "FatFarm" seeking substantial shrinkage.... OLIVERSENDS/OPIMMEDIATE ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 12 Oct 1997 17:07:54 -0400 (EDT) From: JoAnne Schmitz To: lnuts Subject: ways to annoy your bathroom stallmate Message-Id: <199710122107.RAA00464@eclipse.qis.net> Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" 11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers." 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me." 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free". thanks to Rob Carlson ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 20:37:20 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Einstein's Brane Message-ID: <3445817b.15281417@mail.qis.net> On 11 Oct 1997 21:47:31 GMT, in alt.folklore.science gmark@grayfox.svs.com (G. Mark Stewart) wrote: David B. Greene (daveg@XOUT.u.washington.edu) wrote: : gmark@grayfox.svs.com (G. Mark Stewart) wrote: : >Dennis A. Schmitz (dschmitz@positron.net) wrote: : >: Raistlin Majere, Archmage wrote: : >: > Of course. Gravity is really nothing more than the curvature of space-time : >: > around matter (I also do Einsteinian mechanics). : >: Who doesn't? : >Probably Einstein. He's dead. : I heard they were keeping is brain in a jar at some medical college in : Tennesse, though. Yeah, but apparently it's not as smart as it was when it was in his head. I sent a fan letter, but the reply was really stupid. GMS http://www.svs.com/users/gmark ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 21:50:04 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Impervious people Message-ID: <3451973e.20853130@mail.qis.net> On 10 Oct 1997 19:04:18 -0400, in alt.folklore.urban mtepper@panix.com (Michele Tepper) wrote: I recently learned that the Mekons song "Hey! Susan" is a hard-charging post-punk summary of the plot of Hardy's novel. I'd heard the words but never made the connection between "Susan turned to religion (amen!)/ After the tragedy, the death of her children" and, well, you know, that same thing happening in the book. I felt very stupid. Not as stupid as the blind woman at the literary conference today who thought my northeastern US prep-school drawl was the sign of a handicap, most likely cerebral palsy, and strongly suggested that I was in denial when I told her I was not handicapped, but very few people can be that dumb. Michele "thank you, I just needed to say that" Tepper -- Michele Tepper "I guess you could work a squid in there, but mtepper@panix.com it would seem contrived." -- Bo Bradham Visit the scenic AFU archives and FAQ! http://www.urbanlegends.com ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 21:50:04 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Marilyn Manson's Past Message-ID: <34529748.20862898@mail.qis.net> On Sun, 12 Oct 1997 23:23:23 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban smnewman@gsbkma.uchicago.edu (Maggie Newman) wrote: In article , > > I heard three rumours recently, one was that Twiggy shat in marlon >Brando's Bathtub. The resident MM expert chez moi tells me she read in a recent (3 months ago) issue of _Alternative Press_ that Twiggy Ramirez took a dump in EVAN DANDO'S bathtub, because the toilet was in use and Twiggy had to go really, really bad. > Secondly, I heard that they smoked human bones at cocktail parties, >bones they dug up in new orleans while they were recording Antichrist. > TRMME read this in an interview, in which Twiggy acknowledged smoking the bones "with crack and Tic Tacs." Maggie "Dando, Brando, let's call the whole thing off, with crack and Tic Tacs" Newman ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 21:50:05 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: The Boston Tea Party Message-ID: <34549751.20872290@mail.qis.net> On Sat, 11 Oct 1997 13:51:59 +0100, in alt.folklore.urban Mike Holmans wrote: Chapter 44 The Boston Tea Party One day when George III was insane he heard that the Americans never had afternoon tea. This made him very obstinate and he invited them all to a compulsory tea-party at Boston; the Americans, however, started by pouring the tea into Boston Harbour and went on pouring things into Boston Harbour until they were quite Independent, thus causing the United States. These were also partly caused by Dick Washington who defeated the English at Bunker's Hill ('with his little mashie', as he told his father afterwards). The War with the Americans is memorable as being the only war in which the English were ever defeated, and it was unfair because the Americans had _the Allies_ on their side. In some ways the war was really a draw because the English remained top nation and had the Allies afterwards, while the Americans, in memory of George III's madness, still refuse to drink tea and go on pouring anything the English send them to drink into Boston Harbour. After this the Americans made Wittington President and gave up speaking English and became U.S.A. and Columbia and 100%, etc. This was a Good Thing in the end, as it was a cause of the British Empire, but it prevented America from having any more History. - 1066 And All That, WC Sellar and RJ Yeatman (1930) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 21:50:06 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Lawnchair-Balloon Man Message-ID: <3455975d.20884140@mail.qis.net> On 10 Oct 1997 16:27:26 -0700, in alt.folklore.urban lstowell@pyrtech.mis.pyramid.com (Lon Stowell) wrote: In article <61lcci$4vf@batph8.bnr.ca>, Thomas Moorer wrote: >I seem to remember that the guy was trying to impress his girlfriend and he >used a lawn chair and TRASH BAGS filled with helium. He was sighted by local >aircraft and, yes, he used a pellet gun to knock out bags so he could descend. >I think he was reported by some airliners who were approaching the airport. I seem to remember that he used hundreds of condoms inflated with beerfarts to impress his girlfriend, but she was still in the hospital at the time having 10 quarts of Rod Stewart's semen pumped from her stomach. He was sighted by some local flying saucers, so they dropped the cow, unhooked the ATM from their rear bumper, and towed him to safety. Or maybe you are thinking of Lawn Chair Larry from, depending on sources [say the LA Times or dozens of web pages] who did this near San Pedro or Long Beach. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 21:50:07 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: O'LEARY'S COW CLEARED (of starting Chicago Fire) Message-ID: <345096ec.20770688@mail.qis.net> On 12 Oct 1997 21:18:01 -0700, in alt.folklore.urban Peter Petrisko wrote: (from the "Philadelphia Inquirer", 10/12/97) For more than a century, Kate O'Leary's cow has gotten the rap for kicking over a lantern - while O'Leary milked it - and igniting the Great Chicago Fire. Now, an amateur historian says he has cleared O'Leary's cow. After more than two years of research, attorney Richard Bales said he can show the woman was home in bed when the fire started and a neighbor who claims he first saw the fire and cried out a warning is the likely culprit. It marks a dramatic rewriting of one of America's most enduring urban legends. Bales' findings, which professional historians say are meticulously researched, are based on his review of previously unstudied land records from the 1870s and of more than 1100 pages of transcripts of a special city inquiry board that investigated the fire in the months after it occurred. The first person believed to have seen the fire was O'Leary's neighbor, Daniel "Peg Leg" Sullivan. But Bales said Sullivan couldn't have seen the fire from where he said he did because at least one house and an 8-foot high fence were blocking his view. Bales said he thinks Sullivan, whose mother kept a cow in O'Leary's barn, accidently knocked over a lantern or dropped a match or pipe. Faced with the enormity of the fire, he lied. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (for the complete article, see 10/12/97 Philadelphia Inquirer story by Daniel LeDuc) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 15:20:08 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: spoon Message-ID: <34488a72.55330306@mail.qis.net> I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone."Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, SELVES, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, thinking thru the process. "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon." --thanks and a tip of the spoon to our friend Joe Markel ------------------------------ End of INTERNUTS Digest V01 Issue #15 *************************************