INTERNUTS Digest Fri, 17 Oct 1997 Volume 01 : Issue 17 Today's Topics: deductive reasoning top ten recent john denver headlines nor any drop to drink nor any drop to drink yellow paint? Illegal Cable Trap Elephant Dilemma selected Quotes TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #367 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 19:31:47 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: deductive reasoning Message-ID: <34641084.155203640@mail.qis.net> On 13 Oct 1997 23:23:38 GMT, in rec.humor sovereign@pcis.net (Dick Bowman) wrote: Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving." Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly." Man: "So what is it you do for a living?" Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning." Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" Neighbor" "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Man: "That us right." Neighbor: "The fact you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family." Man: "Right again." Neighbor: Since you have a family, I deduce that you have a wife." Man: "Correct" Neighbor: "And since you hav a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual." Man: "Yup" Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning." Man: "Cool" Later that same day. . . . Man: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door." Neighbor #2: "Oh yeah, what does he do?" Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University." Neighbor #2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" Man: "Let me give you an expample. Do you have a dog house?" Neighbor #2: "No" Man: "Fag." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 19:31:48 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: top ten recent john denver headlines Message-ID: <346514d3.156306271@mail.qis.net> On Wed, 15 Oct 97 3:20:04 EDT, in rec.humor.funny jokester21@yahoo.com (joke guy) wrote: 1. John Denver Buys Farm in Monterey 2. Denver Teams Up with Seal for Next Album 3. Denver "Leaves" on Jet Plane 4. This Just In: Denver Thanks God He's a Country Boy, in Person. 5. Movie Review: "Things to Do with Denver when He's Dead." 6. Denver: From Mile-High to Sea-Level in Fifteen Seconds Flat. 7. Denver Head Over Eels with New Plane 8. Denver Nuggets over Golden State 9. Denver Heads-Off Comeback Rumors 10. Denver Washed Up Despite Brisk Record Sales -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@clari.net instead. For the full submission guidelines, see http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 16:15:20 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: nor any drop to drink Message-ID: <344e3d64.62037624@mail.qis.net> On Wed, 15 Oct 1997 22:12:20 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban smnewman@gsbkma.uchicago.edu (Maggie Newman) wrote: Charles A. Lieberman wrote: >Paul Harvey, umm, reported that 1/3 of all bottled water in the US is actually >tap water. He cited someone authoritative-sounding, but I don't recall whom. >Anyone know from this? > "More than 35 percent of all bottled water sold in the United States is municipal water run through a filter, said Jack Hoffbuhr, executive director of the Denver-based American Water Works Association..." as quoted in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, August 9, 1997. More and more American municipalities, especially those who believe their tap water is especially tasty (e.g., Houston) are planning to filter and market their tap water in a fancy sport bottle or whatever to TAP INTO the market (yes, every single headline writer had the brilliant idea of using this clever, clever double entendre) for bottled water with a clear, spring name and a fancy colored or designer bottle. Maggie "still recovering from the fact that Paul Harvey was right" Newman -- "What they do in New Jersey I don't know." Mark Brader ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 19:27:52 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: nor any drop to drink Message-ID: <34486701.779922@mail.qis.net> On 16 Oct 1997 03:45:01 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban William.Hamblen@nashville.com wrote: On 1997-10-15 calieber@bu.edu(CharlesA.Lieberman) said: >Paul Harvey, umm, reported that 1/3 of all bottled water in the US >is actually tap water. He cited someone authoritative-sounding, >but I don't recall whom. Anyone know from this? Burgie Foods, Memphis, Tennessee, once (may still) advertised it's bottled water as "genuine artesian well water." The Memphis Light Gas and Water Division supplies artesian well water to all water users in town. Since all the tap water in Memphis is artesian well water, it appears at least one bottled water company gets its water from the tap. I think they did filter and aerate the water they bottled. Net-Tamer V 1.09.2 - Registered ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 19:28:02 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: yellow paint? Message-ID: <3449672c.822029@mail.qis.net> On Wed, 15 Oct 1997 21:04:37 -0500, in alt.folklore.urban "Douglas E. Hunter" wrote: A.N. Other wrote: > JT Systems wrote: > > > > I was informed by an expert that (in the old days) yellow > > paint contained pigment collected by depriving elephants > > of water and collecting their urine.... > > Seems like yellow paint would cost (and smell) quite a bit. > Actually, it smells like peanuts. :> -- No animals were harmed in the production of this message. To successfully reply remove the hyphen "-" from my address. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 19:28:04 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Illegal Cable Trap Message-ID: <344a67a5.943968@mail.qis.net> On Wed, 15 Oct 1997 14:36:51 -0400, in alt.folklore.urban Gary Huntress wrote: Patrick Cheng-Hao Song wrote: > > I heard that cable tv companies set up fake shopping channels with > irresistable deals that only people with illegal cable taps can receive. > After people call to purchase the items, the authorities come and bust > them. Sounds like an urban legend to me. Not an UL, happened in our town twice last year. 250 idiots were arrested and charged Gary Huntress huntres@ibm.net ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 19:28:04 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Elephant Dilemma Message-ID: <344c68ba.1220257@mail.qis.net> On Thu, 16 Oct 1997 00:52:11 -0700, in rec.humor Matthew Kruk wrote: After Calle, 30, a San Francisco Zoo elephant, had many times rejected her tuberculosis medicine, the curator and a local pharmacist finally devised a drug-delivery system in August: Calle was fitted with special 10-inch-long, two-pound, cocoa-butter suppositories containing the medicines, which she'll have to take daily for 10 months. A team of four is required to administer each one, and, said associate curator Michele Rudovsky, "It's not a pretty sight." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 19:28:06 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: selected Quotes Message-ID: <344d68f9.1283571@mail.qis.net> On Wed, 15 Oct 1997 20:24:05 -0600, in rec.humor "Peter R. Sadlon" wrote: These and lots more at http://www.ucalgary.ca/~prsadlon I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland) As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9 of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 19:28:07 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #367 Message-ID: <344e69fd.1543858@mail.qis.net> On Wed, 15 Oct 1997 11:13:27 GMT, in rec.humor dbowen@custard.net.#SPAMTRAP#.au (Daniel Bowen) wrote: ----------T---O---X---I---C--------C---U---S---T---A---R---D--------- Number 367, 13th October 1997. Written by Daniel Bowen. http://www.toxiccustard.com -------W---O---R---K---S---H---O---P---------F---I---L---E---S------- TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Mark, in the United States, wrote: Here in the U.S., we've got various pseudo-patriotic mascots who encourage you to do (or not do) whatever it is that they stand for. For example, "Smokey the Bear: Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires!", "Woodsy Owl: Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute!", and of course, "Uncle Sam: Wants YOU For the U.S. Armed Forces!" So does Australia have "Eucy the Koala", "Plato the Platypus" or other such "mascots"? Here's a few mascots that spring to mind. At least, they spring to my mind. No doubt some people reading this will have others spring to their minds. Some of them are from public service announcements, some aren't. Wally Wally appeared in water conservation adverts a few years ago. A kind of accident-prone garden dag, he managed to waste water, generally in ways that involved him flooding his own garden and/or house, and looking like a complete drip. Each ad would end with the tagline "Don't be a Wally with water". Sid the seagull Sid the seagull appeared on TV adverts about a decade ago, encouraging Australians to "slip, slop, slap" - that is, slip on a T-shirt, slop on some sunscreen, and slap on a hat. All in the name of reducing skin cancer, which seems fair enough. They've replaced Sid now with catchy jingles instead, but it's just not the same. Hector The Cat Hector was a gigantic stripy cat (a bit like Marty Monster, the infamous morning TV character who got attacked by a kangaroo live on TV). Hector taught the kids how to cross the street safely. The Toothbrush Family I still hum the Toothbrush Family's song sometimes as I brush my teeth. They were in a short (five minute?) cartoon about a family of toothbrushes. You can guess what they mostly talked about at night. And the song? All together now... "Brush your teeth... round and round... circle small... gums and all..." Skippy Skippy, The Bush Kangaroo, is one of those characters from the Flipper, or Lassie school of animals. You know, the super- intelligent kangaroo who knows when things are wrong, and has the incredible ability to tell her master exactly what's going on using just her normal animal speech. And never attacks morning TV characters.) Paul Hogan Paul has departed for Hollywood now (or did he come back? I can't remember), but before he did, back when he was on TV rather than in big-budget movies, he represented the typical Australian bloke, wearing nothing but a singlet, shorts and thongs (and maybe a hat), and having the sophistication of a dead slug. For more questions and answers about Australia, visit the Toxic Custard Guide - http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toxic Custard Web site is just sitting, waiting for your visit. Go now! http://www.toxiccustard.com To get Toxic Custard by email every week, just send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject line "subscribe" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------ End of INTERNUTS Digest V01 Issue #17 ************************************* --UAA02866.877306564/eclipse.qis.net--