INTERNUTS Digest Mon, 20 Oct 1997 Volume 01 : Issue 18 Today's Topics: Tarot humor Speaking in English Tongues Wilson's penis (fwd) Re: Bumper Stickers seen in passing.... Fuzzy Joe How to confuse your prof driving rules Re: Dead deer story Re: Scandinavian blues Illegal Cable Trap Natalie ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 16:06:07 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Tarot humor Message-ID: <344989c3.75224560@mail.qis.net> On Thu, 16 Oct 1997 14:38:24 -0700, roebers@ix.netcom.com wrote: 0. The FOOL: a manager using a SPARCStation 413,1432 to run a screensaver. 1. The MAGICIAN: a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a Cray on the table in front of him --- all running the same program with the same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head. 2. The HIGH PRIESTESS: a woman holding the Documentation, closed and concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her. 3. The EMPEROR: Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical disk vertically in his hand. 4. The EMPRESS: A secretary with a NeXT Machine. 5. The HEIROPHANT: Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him, their faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop computer on his head. 6. The LOVERS: a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as an angel bathed in glory regards them. 7. The CHARIOT: A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve, drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white). 8. STRENGTH: A woman holding the entire design and implementation of Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An infinity sign is over her head. 9. The HERMIT: An old hacker, white-bearded, burns the midnight oil; its Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard. 10. The WHEEL OF FORTUNE: A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++ is sitting on top. Four winged beings -- a mouse, a turtle, a dog-cow, and a human -- look on. 11. JUSTICE. A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a delete- key in the other. 12. The HANGED MAN: A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct. His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at dawn. His monitor is reverse-video. He programs on, flawlessly, oblivious to his circumstances. 13. DEATH: A skeleton weilding a scythe surveys a field, on which are scattered PDP-11s, Apple ]['s, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and many other machines. 14. TEMPERANCE: An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor blinks from her chest. 15. The DEVIL: The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans, male and female, are in chains at his feet. 16. The TOWER: An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two robed figures, denied tenure, are hurtled to the ground. 17. The STAR: A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient fragile moment of peace. 18. The MOON: A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's. A crayfish crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove deadly. The moon shines through a window. 19. The SUN: A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs clever applications on a high-quality workstation. 20. JUDGEMENT: An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages arise, to be rated Cool or not. 21. The WORLD: A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered, in a ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings from the Wheel of Fortune surround her. Gag-O-Mactic Joke Server 2.0 jokes@gag-o-matic.lowcomdom.com www.lowcomdom.com/joke_of_the_day.html ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 18:43:01 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Speaking in English Tongues Message-ID: <344e9aaa.79552525@mail.qis.net> On Thu, 16 Oct 1997 13:26:13 +0100, in alt.folklore.urban Lizz Braver wrote: Anno Siegel writes (snip) [about Foreign Accent Syndrome, where a brain injury affects the speech] >In other cases, maybe the majority, a certain kind of speech impediment >may result, which listeners perceive as a foreign accent even when it >really isn't. Case in point--I used to work with a nurse from Tayexas. One morning she was giving report on her patients, and asked us 'Where's that patient in 4021 frum?' 'Boston.' I answered both helpfully and factually. 'Are yew shore? I thought he wuz from Germany or something.' Lizz 'but she didn't have no acceyunt' Braver El Sig thinks he says funny things. Signorina thinks he just says things funny. -- Visit http://www.urbanlegends.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 18:43:29 GMT From: jKschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Wilson's penis Message-ID: <344f9b37.79693039@mail.qis.net> On Thu, 16 Oct 1997 11:23:28 -0400, in alt.folklore.urban Mike Czaplinski wrote: Seth Deitch wrote: > > So here is how the story goes. > World War I was wrapping up and various world leaders were preparing > to sign the armistice, the president of the United States among them. > The New York Herald-Tribune published a headline which was > calculated to ring in the hearts of all who saw it. It was INTENDED to > read "Wilson’s pen is ready". According to the story, the space > between the words "pen" and "is" was inadvertently omitted creating a > very different (although, to some, equally inspirational) headline. > I don’t believe it for a second, but I have heard it repeated > several times throughout my life from divergent sources. Does anyone > have a clue where this bizarre tale might have originated? This is also reminiscent of an actual rule in the Comics Code (the group of rules the comics industry agreed to in the fifties to stem the tide of anti-comic hysteria brought on by the congressional investigations) that prohibited the word 'flick' and the name 'Clint' (as well as others) from being used in 4-color comics, on the grounds that certain letters could bleed together when printed on the cheap newsprint stock to form other objectionable words. Mike "Clint Flick, Unlawful Comic Book Star!" Czaplinski ekim.czaplinskiwashingtoncd.rcn.moc ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 18:44:32 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: (fwd) Re: Bumper Stickers seen in passing.... Message-ID: <3453ab7a.83857184@mail.qis.net> On Thu, 16 Oct 1997 21:18:46 GMT, in rec.humor nospanmichael@nopsamgreenes.com (mgSimplify Author) wrote: A friend of mine is in Idaho this week hunting. He has a soft heart so he practices shoot and release. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 18:44:33 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Fuzzy Joe Message-ID: <3454ae9b.84658531@mail.qis.net> On 17 Oct 1997 14:22:23 GMT, in rec.humor sovereign@pcis.net (Dick Bowman) wrote: In the late 1880's, while on leave from a work-release program as a sheepherder, this guy strides into town, heads to the only bar and orders a beer. "What do you do for action in this town?" he asks the bartender. "Ain't got no action in this town mister." was the bartender's reply. "Where's all the women in this town?" he asks. "Ain't got no women in this town neither, mister." replied the bartender. "What do you do for sex?" inquired the sheepherder. "All we got is Fuzzy Joe." pointing to an old man sitting alone at a table. Fuzzy Joe had white curly hair, kinky curly beard, and when he looked up and grinned, showing a little round toothless hole for a mouth. "I don't go for that shit!" exclaimed the sheepherder who finished his drink and went back to the mountain. Three months later he again ambled into to town, back to the bar and ordered another beer. "What do you do for action in this town?" he asks the bartender. "Ain't got no action in this town mister." was the bartender's reply. "Where's all the women in this town?" he asks. "Ain't got no women in this town mister." replied the bartender. "What do you do for sex?" inquired the sheepherder. "All we got is Fuzzy Joe." said the bartender. "You know I don't go for that shit!" said the sheepherder. After finishing his drink, he headed back to the mountain. Another three months passed, the sheepherder came back to town, back to the bar and ordered a beer. "What do you do for action in this town?" he asks the bartender. "Ain't got no action in this town mister." was the bartender's reply. "Where's all the women in this town?" he asks. "Ain't got no women in this town mister." replied the bartender. "What do you do for sex?" inquired the sheepherder. "All we got is Fuzzy Joe." said the bartender. "You know I don't go for that shit!" said the sheepherder. He finished his beer, and ordered another, and another, and another. Finally he called the bartender over. "Now you know I don't go for that shit, but if I did, what would it cost?" "Two hundered and five dollars" was the reply. "Why such an odd price?" asked the sheepherder Bartender replied "Thats five dollars for Fuzzy Joe and a hundred apiece for Jake and me. We've got to catch him and hold him down. Fuzzy Joe don't go for that shit niether!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 18:44:34 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: How to confuse your prof Message-ID: <3455aeef.84742346@mail.qis.net> On Fri, 17 Oct 1997 08:37:02 -0600, in rec.humor "Peter R. Sadlon" wrote: A lot more NEW jokes at http://www.ucalgary.ca/~prsadlon 25 Ways to confuse your professors: 1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene. 2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins." 3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class. 4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!" 5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day. 6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class. 7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class. 8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home. 9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away. 10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily. 11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...." 12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting. 13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit. 14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?" 15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive. 16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts. 17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused. 18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit. 19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window. 20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring." 21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it the times comes to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor. 22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service. 23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit. 24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you." 25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 21:29:16 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: driving rules Message-ID: <344bd7b1.95177857@mail.qis.net> On Fri, 17 Oct 1997 09:42:28 -0700, in rec.humor "Eurasmus B. Black" wrote: If you can make eye contact with another driver, they MAY give you a break and let you enter from a side road, but in Boston, if you make eye contact with another driver, they KNOW you have seen them and can then ignore you completely. The only way to drive in Boston is NO EYE CONTACT. Then they're not sure if you saw them. If you haven't seen them you might hit them by accident and they don't want that. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 19 Oct 1997 06:07:18 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Re: Dead deer story Message-Id: <199710190556.BAA24505@eclipse.qis.net> In alt.folklore.urban, on Mon, 13 Oct 1997 20:25:01 +0000, "Mary T. Helmes" wrote: A friend of mine told me this happened to her college roommate (I know -- a FOAF!), but the more I think about it , the more UL-ish it sounds to me: Apparently during college the roommate had a job working for whatever organization cleans dead aminals off the road. She didn't usually have to actually go pick them up, but one day accompanied another worker to pick up a dead deer. Once they were on the way to the where the dead animals were disposed of, she started to get more and more sick at the idea of having to see piles of dead animals. She decided to convince her coworker to just find a wooded spot and throw the deer in there. He finally agreed, and they found an overpass with woods down below. They lifted up the deer, threw it over...and watched as it became entangled in phone lines. They drove away quickly, leaving the dead deer hanging. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 19 Oct 1997 06:07:28 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Re: Scandinavian blues Message-Id: <199710190556.BAA24511@eclipse.qis.net> In alt.folklore.urban, on Wed, 15 Oct 1997 12:17:45 GMT, mholmans@dircon.co.uk (Mike Holmans) wrote: The Guardian Diary column today picks up on a Reuter report [AFU] of a woman in Malmo, Sweden who is suing a local pet shop for the SKR5000 she spent on a parrot which died after two days. The report continued, apparently, that the pet shop owner refused to believe the parrot was dead and claimed that it was asleep. The Diary item does not record whether Reuters quoted the particular breed of parrot, Norwegian Blue or not. The perfect Monty Python sketch rerun aspect does make one think that someone has been embellishing the story just a teensy-weensy bit, so I would prefer to see a cite from a reputable Swedish newspaper than an agency throwaway. [AFU] Being a report of a report, this seems to me to be what could conveniently be termed a ROAR. Mike "roaring with pain, as the weather forecaster said" Holmans Ex Sig is just resting. Really. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 19 Oct 1997 06:07:35 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Illegal Cable Trap Message-Id: <199710190556.BAA24516@eclipse.qis.net> In alt.folklore.urban, on Thu, 16 Oct 1997 05:51:39 GMT, jtsystems@eden.com.NOSPAM (JT Systems) wrote: "Jen_Shien" wrote: >Torpedoes: Electricity. >I've been told that cable companies send "torpedoes" through the cable wire >and if you don't have real cable they destroy your TV. Can I employ this technology? I have some neighbors (they probably have cable but probably don't steal it) that would be very surprised by a torpedo hit to their TV. "Marge, we'll miss David Letterman if we can't control the flooding." Can I send torpedoes via the sewer system? (Actually, we all have septic systems, but I suspect it is really a matter of principle.) So many neighbors, so few torpedoes... Sincerely, Jim ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 20 Oct 1997 15:49:35 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Natalie Message-ID: <344f7d77.797744@mail.qis.net> The madame opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked 'needy.' " Can I help you?" the madame asked. "I want Natalie" the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps someone else..." "No, I want Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per hour. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the Man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 for one hour. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row...where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really", replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "I know," said the old man, "she gave me $3,000 to give to you." thanks to Joe Markel ------------------------------ End of INTERNUTS Digest V01 Issue #18 *************************************