INTERNUTS Digest Tue, 11 Nov 1997 Volume 01 : Issue 34 Today's Topics: Eyeballs popping out Language Aquisition WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT (10/31)??? A man goes into a bar... Deteriorata induhviduals Help!!! prank Cockroach lays eggs in neck surprise Good Sam Cockroach lays eggs in neck pt.2 yet another Eyeball's popping out Eyeball's popping out again Revenge on the Bridegroom (Who flung dung?) Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:25:51 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Eyeballs popping out Message-ID: <34661240.245209122@mail.clark.net> On Sat, 1 Nov 1997 22:12:17, in alt.folklore.urban wpenrose@interaccess.com (William R. Penrose) wrote: In article <19971029035900.WAA24388@ladder01.news.aol.com> ufogodz1@aol.com (UFo GoDz 1) writes: >I'm sure most of you have heard the UL that if you keep your eyes open while > you sneeze, that your eyes will pop out of your skull....Now, I'm interested > in finding the truth to this(I'm too big a wimp to try it) and also the > origin...Well there goes my two seconds of fame. Most of these stories assume that pressure from behind the eyes causes them to pop out. In fact, it is actually the suction effect of the sneeze that *pulls* the eyes from the sockets. You might be aware that during a sneeze, the velocity of the expelled air can exceed the speed of sound. The effect of the pressure wave can cause a rapid drop in air pressure right in front of the face. Actually having the eyes fall out on your cheek is, of course, rare. When you sneeze, cover your eyes. Bill ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:25:38 GMT From: jKschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Language Aquisition Message-ID: <3460fcf1.239752776@mail.clark.net> On Sun, 02 Nov 1997 13:29:27 -0500, in alt.folklore.urban ehrice@his.com (Edward Rice) wrote: In article , "Clive D.W. Feather" wrote: > In article <344d1048.1226530@news.zetnet.co.uk>, Phil Edwards > writes > >"I need a biscuit. I need a *chocolate* biscuit. I need *two* > >chocolate biscuits." > > > >(We're trying to encourage him to use the verb 'to want', but he seems > >to find 'need' gets his point across more forcefully). > > From personal experience, you have several years of battle ahead of you. You misslept "bottle." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:25:55 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT (10/31)??? Message-ID: <346f26fe.250519895@mail.clark.net> On 01 Nov 1997 11:21:38 -0500, in alt.tv.homicide jeff covey wrote: -----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- >>>>> "Todd" == Todd Brown writes: Todd> Can someone fill me in on last nights conclusion. will do the best i can. Todd> Who killed the the housekeeper? frank did. that's why he was so keen to search for suspects out of the country. Todd> Also what happened to the little boy who's parents were Todd> killed? kellerman found out he was tangentially connected to luther mahoney and blew him away in the box. he got lewis and stivers to help him clean the blood off the walls. falsone wandered in in the middle of this, and they told him they were making a haunted house for the homicide squad halloween party. hope that helps. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:26:02 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: A man goes into a bar... Message-ID: <34754509.258211895@mail.clark.net> On Sat, 01 Nov 1997 02:12:35 -0600, in rec.humor robbylee wrote: A guy goes to walk into a club, and the doorman says, "Sorry, but you have to have a tie. Any kind of tie. Necktie, bolo tie, whatever." The guy goes back out to his car, and all he has is a pair of jumper cables. He ties them in a bow around his neck, goes back up to the door of the club, and says, "Is this okay?" The doorman says, "Yeah, go ahead in, but don't start anything." ================================== Get Tastless,blond,dumb,stupid,funny,jokes AT...... http://www.web-sponser.com/jokes ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:25:58 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Deteriorata Message-ID: <34733fd7.256881151@mail.clark.net> On Sun, 02 Nov 1997 13:39:30 +1000, in rec.humor Melissa BEE wrote: -- Deteriorata (National Lampoon) (You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Deteriorata, Deteriorata) Go placidly amidst the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself; and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss - and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted, that in the face of all irridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance. (You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back.) Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you... That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the seas of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love, therefore, it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth: the birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan - and let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311, ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee. (You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back.) Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you perceive him to be: hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. GIVE UP! (You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back.) ------- Melissa BEE ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:26:03 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: induhviduals Message-ID: <347645eb.258437741@mail.clark.net> from: Dilbert Newsletter 17.0 ----------------------- To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams Date: Late August 1997 True Tales of Induhviduals -------------------------- Because you can't get enough of those whacky Induhviduals (the people who are not members of the DNRC), here are more True Tales as reported by DNRC operatives. --------- I was visiting Windsor castle, outside of London, on vacation. Windsor castle is directly in the flight path of Gatwick International Airport. While standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.One particularly annoyed American tourist Induhvidual standing next to me whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport???" --------- I pulled into the burger king driveup window and placed my order. Remembering that I wanted to get some extra coins for the coffee machine at work, I handed the guy $6.00 for my $4.25 bill and said, "Could I get some extra change?" He looks at me, blankly. A full five seconds pass while he is trying to figure it out. "Oh yeah, ok." He says, "Quarters fine?" "Yeah, sure" I tell him. He then gives me my food and seven quarters...plus a dollar...and three more quarters. I guess when the customer asks for extra change he gets it! --------- I walked up to the counter at a chain fried chicken joint and asked the cashier-Induhvidual for a soda and a piece of chicken. "Crispy or regular", she asked. "I don't care. Either will be fine," I replied. "Crispy or regular", she asked again, annoyed. "...Ahh, Crispy then," I responded. "We are out of crispy," she said. --------- A couple of years ago, when I worked at a large company, our "sexual harassment training" included a company letter that stated "Don't treat a female engineer like a secretary." Needless to say, the secretaries were not amused. --------- I was helping a friend (yes I admit it, I have an Induhvidual for a friend) set up her new computer. It was a desktop model, so I naturally placed it on top of her desk in the traditional setup. A few minutes after I had installed the software, she complained that she wished she had bought a tower pc instead of the desktop computer as it took up too much space on her desk. I promptly took the computer off the desk, flipped it on its side and placed it on the floor. She then looked at me in amazement and asked,"You can do that?" (Editor's Note: An easy way to make some extra money is by offering to upgrade Induhvidual's desktop computers to tower configurations.) [internuts moderator's note: some disk drives don't like this, so it might not be such a bright idea.] --------- (Name changed to protect the guilty person in this true tale) I had just started work in a laboratory. I frequently ran across news items that I would pass along to our supervisor. I would write across the top: "Tina, FYI." After about two weeks, Tina walked in and said "Are you mad at me?" I said "no, why?" She said, "Well, you keep sending me these rude notes. Everything I get from you says 'FYI.' I KNOW what the 'FY' stands for. What does the 'I' stand for? ENORMOUSLY?" [Editor's Note: Evidently, the "I" stands for Induhvidual.] --------- This one sounds like urban legend to me, but I'll pass it on anyway. There was a soccer professional in Germany who was offered a third of an amount of money. That didn't sound like enough, so he asked for at least a fourth, and got it. When he saw how easy it was he pushed some more and finally got a fifth! [Editor's Note: I'll bet his wife got a fifth when she hear that, and drank it alone.] --------- I walked down to the Pepsi machine. Soda is $.90 .. There were three post-its(tm) on the machine... one said "this machine owes me $.90" another "this machine owes me $.90" and last but not least "this machine owes me $1.80"...... --------- My friend is sitting in an introductory electromagnetism class, and the teacher is discussing the concept of the electric field, and how electric charges give rise to electric fields. So he sets up the problem by saying, "And so we take our magic wand and put a charge Q on this conductor, and a charge -Q on this conductor." He continues to explain the problem, until a couple of minutes later, one of the students blurts out "What magic wand!?" [Editor's Note: When this student enters the workforce, I hope I meet him when I ask for "extra change."] --------- I was at the library making copies of articles for a research paper and discovered that the copy machine wasn't working (after having plugged several dimes into it). I told the girl at the library desk the copy machine was malfunctioning, to which she replied, "I know". Exasperated, I asked why she hadn't put a sign on the machine indicating it was broken so people wouldn't waste their money. Her answer was, "We don't have a sign like that". --------- I'm afraid that my future sister-in-law is an Induhvidual. Borrowing a line from Steven Wright, I asked her, "When you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?" She said smugly, "No, they can still hear." --------- A friend was asked to be interim director of our Institute while the director was away. The following day I noticed him looking at a form with an amused look on his face. He was required by policy to sign a form to authorize the transfer of signing authority. Under each category indicating the amounts or the things he could sign for (i.e. vacations, overtime, etc.) it said NONE in each case. He had to sign a form which would give him the authority not to authorize anything. --------- I brought my film to the "One Hour Developing" place and asked for the one hour service. "No problem," said the owner, You can pick it up in two hours." I protested, "The sign says one hour developing. " "That's right," he said, "One hour developing takes about two hours." [Editor's Note: Be sure to order the double-wide prints, which are the same size as the regular ones.] DNRC Prank Report ----------------- This galactic prank report comes directly from the field: I took the QuickTime panorama of the Mars Pathfinder, reworked it into my own HTML web page (neatly entitled "Pathfinder Mission Control") and put a heading "Pathfinder Active Camera Control" above the panorama. Soon the news travelled, from Induhvidual to Induhvidual, that I had found a way to control the camera on the Pathfinder from my computer at work. My PC was swarmed by Induhviduals each taking their turn "controlling the camera". And another prank report... A friend of mine works at a large insurance company as a sysadmin. He informed his boss that the boss's hard disk needed to be "balanced." My friend gave his boss a program which writes "weight files" on carefully computed spots on the disk, so that the balanced disk will run smoother. The boss distributed the program among the employees and ordered them to regularly have their hard disks balanced. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:25:54 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Help!!! Message-ID: <346e26b5.250446519@mail.clark.net> On Sat, 01 Nov 97 18:03:59 GMT, in alt.tv.homicide tprepsky@pepvax.pepperdine.edu (Todd) wrote: In article <19971101064900.BAA20985@ladder02.news.aol.com>, treenabean@aol.com (Treenabean) thus spake: >My VCR didn't come on, so I missed the 10.31 episode of "Homicide." Please, > please, please somebody email me and tell me in a nutshell what happened. I'm > be eternally (or at least until the repeats start) grateful. > >Thanks bunches!!! > >Send email to treenabean@aol.com Everyone acted out of character. People died. Todd ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:26:05 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: prank Message-ID: <34774869.259076003@mail.clark.net> On 3 Nov 1997 15:11:54 GMT, in rec.humor gwlucky@aol.com (GWLucky) wrote: This is old and safe and requires several strong people. Blindfold the victim and seat him/her in a chair. One person stands in front and the victim places his/her hands on their shoulders. The victim is told the chair is going to be lifted up until his head hits the ceiling. Two strong people stand either side of the chair and begin lifting, but in reality the chair never goes more than a couple inches. The person in front begins to kneel down giving the impression, since the victim's hands are touching, that they are going up. A lot of talk about "be careful, it's too high" helps, and as a final touch a book or board is slowly brought into contact with the victim's head, giving the illusion that the ceiling has been reached. At this point it is good to juggle the chair a bit as the victim believes he/she is quite high up. Finally, take the blindfold off. I had this done to me once and it is very efective. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:25:52 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Cockroach lays eggs in neck Message-ID: <346712fc.245396869@mail.clark.net> On Sun, 2 Nov 1997 14:31:56 -0600, in alt.folklore.urban "Bret Hammond" wrote: > From: Individuation > I'm not sure about Cockroaches....but a professor or my roommate told > stories of a certain type of fly that bites...and then injects its eggs > into the bite. Apparently he was somewhere in South America when this > happened.... The first time...he got rid of the problem for two bucks and > a pack of ciggerettes...they were kind of popped out of his skin with some > kind of tube.. The second time, he figured he would just let them hatch > and get out...but he finally couldn't stand them moving around, so he went > to a hospital here at the university when he got back... The doctors had > never seen anything like it...and first gave him antibiotics - which did > nothing... Then he went to a plastic surgeon...who had never seen > anything like it...and sliced open his skin and removed the larva, taking > pictures the whole time... >A cow orker of mine showed me the scar he still has from a type of fly >that injects eggs under the skin. I don't remember where he got this (his >obby is travelling to exotic locations), but he told me there was a >swelling the size of half a ping pong ball there when he finally got to a >doctor with it (he'd been on a trek). Seeing the size of the scar, I >believe him. I> don't work there anymore, but if anyone's interested, I'll email him and >ask about the details (location). Or does anyone else have solid info on >what type of insect this might be? One fly that does this is commonly called a "Warble." We have them in Central Illinois, where they pick on cows mostly. Although I had an old tom cat as a kid who used to get them every year. It took about a month for the larvae to work it's way from a small hole in the middle of his back to a spot just above his eye. I always wondered how they managed to dig OUT instead of further in. Also, a friend of mine was in the Dominican Republic a few years ago. While there he noticed several kids with match sticks seemingly stuck to their legs. These kids had waded through water infested with some kind of bugs . .the bugs laid eggs in the bottoms of their feet, the larvae worked it's way to the middle of their legs and then emerged as very long worms. Instead of just yanking the worms out, which would cause them to break in half and lead to an infection, they were slowly wrapped around the match sticks until the worm was all out, a process that could last several days. Enjoy your lunch, Bret ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:26:06 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: surprise Message-ID: <347849a8.259395058@mail.clark.net> On Sun, 2 Nov 97 19:20:03 EST, in rec.humor.funny.reruns rumm@latcs1.oz.au.UUCP (LYNDON BRETT RUMM) wrote: Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas? A: Cancer. -- >From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup rec.humor.funny. Visit http://comedy.clari.net/rhf to browse the RHF pages and archives on the web. This newsgroup does not accept submissions. See rec.humor.funny for that. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:25:59 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Good Sam Message-ID: <347440fa.257172987@mail.clark.net> On Fri, 31 Oct 1997 14:13:56 -0600, in rec.humor Thomas Patrick Mcdonough wrote: [your moderator actually fixed this one up quite a bit] A guy goes into a public restroom and sees a man in a wheelchair, in front of one of the urinals. His coat sleeves hang limply by his side. Poor bastard, the first guy thinks. The man in the chair looks up and says, "Hey buddy, can you give me a hand here." The stranger, unwilling but unable to come up with a good excuse, helps the man unzip his pants. He then holds the man's penis and aims it while the man urinates. Once the man is done, he puts the man's penis away and zips him back up. While washing his hands, the stranger gets curious and asks "So what happened -- Korea? Vietnam?" The man pops his hands out of his sleeves and heads out the door, saying "No, herpes -- don't like to touch the thing." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 22:25:53 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Cockroach lays eggs in neck pt.2 Message-ID: <346913c8.245600630@mail.clark.net> On Fri, 31 Oct 1997 09:16:41 -0800, in alt.folklore.urban TMOliver wrote: Lois Patterson wrote: > > My father-in-law said that one of his neighbors in Palm Springs had a black > widow spider lay eggs in her head. Somehow or other, this made her very ill. > I don't recall the details, however. Anyone heard of that? > > Lois Patterson Hmmm, Professor Katzenbenheimlightgefiltamilk..... Vat ve haf here iz un example of dat famous Father in Law vector. In attempting to display the crumbling remains of past vigor and a compulsion to impress someone - since everybody around the house generally ignores them - fathers in law can be statistically expected to attempt to impress new or existing daughters in law with cock'n bull or other estupid estories. Watch out for the old geezer. Does he wear both belt and suspenders/ simultaneously? White sox with a blue double knit suit? Pre-tied tie? Black sox with baggy shorts? Look down the front of your dress while you're serving him mashed potatoes? Leer a lot, occasionally displaying a slight stream of drool from one corner of his mouth? Scratch his butt vigorously while paying for gas at the convenience store? If he displays two or more of these tendencies in a single week, while passing along any more bits of arcane folklore, he may not be hitting on you, but is certainly rooster-posturing, a preliminary to actual advances. -- Famous "BigSig" on leave of absence at nearby "FatFarm" seeking substantial shrinkage.... OLIVERSENDS/OPIMMEDIATE ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 04 Nov 1997 18:45:30 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: yet another Eyeball's popping out Message-ID: <3465482e.324562604@mail.clark.net> On Tue, 04 Nov 1997 04:23:03 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban leahetbj@usit.net wrote: My mom told me a story from when she was little and she had a little pug dog..and she was coming inside the house after tennis lessons, or something, and she didnt know the dog had its head in the door, and she slammed it on it, and the dog's eyes popped out..but it lived..kinda off topic but I just thought I would share it =) Decenda ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 04 Nov 1997 18:45:30 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Eyeball's popping out again Message-ID: <346447f6.324506519@mail.clark.net> On Mon, 03 Nov 1997 14:50:17 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban XX_swulz@SPAM.FREE.ti.com (Steve ) wrote: ufogodz1@aol.com (UFo GoDz 1) wrote: >I'm sure most of you have heard the UL that if you keep your eyes open while > you sneeze, that your eyes will pop out of your skull....Now, I'm interested > in finding the truth to this(I'm too big a wimp to try it) and also the > origin...Well there goes my two seconds of fame. I have a 1st hand account of an eye popping out. It was a fake eye though. We had a fraternity brother with a fake eye. One night upon drinking heavily he laughed so hard his eye fell out and INTO his beer !!! No Joking! The ladies he was talking with nearly fainted. We nearly pee'd our pants (LOFL). Anyway, this may have no relevance to real eyes and sneezing, but you jogged my memory and I thought you would enjoy this. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Steve swulz AT ti DOT com banshee AT flash DOT net (please replace AT with @ and DOT with .) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 04 Nov 1997 18:45:32 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Revenge on the Bridegroom (Who flung dung?) Message-ID: <34694de3.326024433@mail.clark.net> On 4 Nov 1997 05:08:18 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban "Vicki Parslow-Stafford" wrote: This one is true, but it's so outrageous it _should_ be a UL. >From the Brisbane "Courier Mail", Tues 4 November: "A jilted bride tipped a bucket of wet cow manure over the woman who supplanted her as she prepared to walk down the aisle. Jacqueline Martin disguised herself as a gardener and stuck a false beard on her face before sneaking into the spring garden wedding. She then upended the bucket of sloppy dung over bride Juana Prego, covering her pristine white dress, and soaking her hair and face. The bizarre assault was revenge at being dumped by groom Joaquin Montero Prego -- just months before he wed the second woman in Canberra. Martin, 39, yesterday pleaded guilty to the assault in the ACT Magistrates' Court." A photograph of the defendent accompanied the story. Apparently the shite was originally intended for the dastard who dumped Ms Martin, but he was surrounded by friends, so she decided the bride was the better target. Friends helped the bride clean up with cold water and paper in the public loo, then change into a bridesmaid's dress. The groom was told that the 45-minute delay in the ceremony was due to "a problem with the dress". -- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vicki Parslow Stafford | "Oh, many a Cup of this Ipswich, Qld, Australia | forbidden Wine must drown Email vlps@gil.com.au | the memory of that Ph/fax +61 7 3281 5010 | insolence!" ------------------------------ End of INTERNUTS Digest V01 Issue #34 *************************************