INTERNUTS Digest Tue, 11 Nov 1997 Volume 01 : Issue 36 Today's Topics: resume mistakes STAND UP AND PEE Ripe variation on an oldie Cats in dryers? No, worse codes Maraschino cherries are bleached onions? more: another real-life Ripe variation on an oldie (fwd) Re: "Did You Know That Foreigners Don't Pay Taxes!!!!" (fwd) Re: whiplash scam Beatles songs recipe whiplash scam pt.2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 06 Nov 1997 20:13:56 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: resume mistakes Message-ID: <347321e1.77363352@mail.clark.net> On Wed, 5 Nov 1997 17:32:20 -0500, efrancis wrote: (From various resumes) How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." "I am a rabid typist." "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side." "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." "Proven ability to track down and correct erors." "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer." "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant." "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil." "Qualifications: No education or experience." "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!" Submitted by: Michael Bastedo @ bhe.mass.edu ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 06 Nov 1997 20:13:52 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: STAND UP AND PEE Message-ID: <346e1857.74921504@mail.clark.net> On 6 Nov 1997 01:41:30 GMT, in rec.humor "Cheri Bogowitz" wrote: Seems God was just about done creating the universe, and had a couple of left-over things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love tobe able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms... Eve, I give this ability to you". ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 06 Nov 1997 20:13:50 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Ripe variation on an oldie Message-ID: <346c0dfc.72270153@mail.clark.net> On 5 Nov 1997 12:48:02 -0500, in alt.folklore.urban andreww@panix.com (Andrew Welsh) wrote: The original sender appears to have been oracle-humor-admin@lyris.net. Can we sue for copyright infringment or something? ---forwarded-message----> The Man Who Loved Beans Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on lke this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his lonliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he ahd not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. -- Andrew Welsh (andreww@panix.com/ http://www.panix.com/~andreww) Opinions expressed above are not necessarily endorsed by my employers. "And the Lord said: 'Blessed are the pacemakers, for they shall achieve numerous hits with their unique "mersey beat" sound'" - robsloan@bnr.ca ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 07 Nov 1997 23:30:15 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Cats in dryers? No, worse Message-ID: <34657397.163830897@mail.clark.net> On 6 Nov 1997 21:29:44 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban srn@flibble.psrg.cs.usyd.edu.au (Stephen Robert Norris) wrote: BOMBAY, Nov 6 (AFP) - An Indian baby died when his eight-year-old brother put him in a washing machine because he wanted to lighten his skin, newspapers reported Thursday. The Hindi-language Sanjha Jansatta newspaper quoted the eight-year-old boy as saying he acted after seeing an advertisement which showed dirty teddy bears coming out clean after being put in a washing machine. "He thought he could turn his dark-skinned one-and-half-year-old brother fair-skinned if he put him through a washing machine," the newspaper said. Wednesday's tragedy followed similar incidents in July when two boys died after trying to copy a stunt in the advertisment. The commercial, for a soft drink company, showed a model bungee-jumping off a cliff and picking up a bottle from an approaching delivery truck. The advertisment was withdrawn after the deaths. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 07 Nov 1997 23:30:16 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: codes Message-ID: <346a7c41.166048832@mail.clark.net> On Thu, 6 Nov 1997 18:10:39 -0600, in alt.folklore.urban millers@spamoff.net (Louann Miller) wrote: In article , DAYRTON@wesleyan.edu says... > > > On Thu, 6 Nov 1997, Dave Rogers wrote: > > Is there such a thing as a doctor's code, and/or is this a UK UL? I worked customer service (= tech support) at a burglar alarm company for two years. We documented each phone call in the computer with two sets of 2-3 letter acronyms. The customer service reps made up a few extra, insulting ones for stupid user tricks. It's been a while, the only ones that stick in my mind were LOL (little old lady) and ESL (English as a Second Language). We never used the term Luser but we should have. One official code that was pretty insulting in practice was BOS, or Battery Operated Smoke-detector. Insulting because it was shorthand for, "it's not your alarm system beeping, stupid, you need to change the batteries in your smoke detector." Sometimes got 3-4 of those calls in an 8 hour shift. There were enough paranoid-schizophrenic or otherwise demented people in the customer base that each CS person got to talk to a certifiable loonie about once every two weeks. Makes sense if you think about it. If you know They're Out To Get You, and you can afford an alarm system, you're going to want one. And if it doesn't stop Them, you're going to call in and complain. A lot. -- Our ISP is cyberramp.net -- you know the routine... ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 07 Nov 1997 23:30:17 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Maraschino cherries are bleached onions? Message-ID: <346f8263.167618815@mail.clark.net> On 7 Nov 1997 18:27:57 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban grapeape@aol.com (GrapeApe) wrote: >>However, I distinctly recall [citeless of course or I wouldn't be carrying on like this] that some are made with sodium alginate but that seems a bit too much effort for a fruit cocktail....as does using maraschino cherries in the type of fruit cocktail that comes in a can. That type seems to be nothing but fruit which has been chopped into little bitty pieces and then cooked or processed to remove any and all tiniest traces of flavor, then soaked in syrup. Except for the grapes [which are really goats testicles....but that's another story].<< Thats interesting Fruit cocktail from a tooth paste tube. I've always seen pretty big chunks of the candied cherries in my brand Sodium alginate is flavored with pulverized pimentoes vinegar and red dye, then squirted into holes in brine soaked unripened tree grapes some call Olives. These are then fed to alcoholics, and to worms, which then constitute the hamburger used by McDonalds, whose Hot Lava pies are made with turnips and pear juice, or to Wendys, who used them in their hamburger meat first, then their Chili on the second recycling. Both firms also have dairy like desserts and beverages of varying densities that use the magic algae powder. But I still dont understand how Onions are bad for Dogs. Or Fruit Cocktail for that matter. Not good for them I can agree with, but Bad? Garlic is a pretty common flavoring/ odor masking compound (can't vouch personally on flavor) in commercial dog foods, so I could imagine a pup going for an onion without much regret. Dogs are slightly more omnivourous than cats, who seem to have more problems veering from a carnivore diet. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 07 Nov 1997 23:30:16 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: more: another real-life Ripe variation on an oldie Message-ID: <346c7e2c.166540091@mail.clark.net> On Thu, 06 Nov 1997 22:30:43 -0500, in alt.folklore.urban Mnemosyne wrote: [snip bean joke] Here's one without the FOAF factor. My husband and I were grocery shopping several weeks ago and while we were in the produce section - and out of range of any other shoppers, my husband thought - let fly a most pungent and noisy expression of intestinal distress. There were two other shoppers behind us. I was as mortified as anyone has ever been. My husband, on the other hand, mightily proud of his prowess in flatulence, at first didn't believe me when I told him that there were people behind us. And then, after confirming my sighting, congratulated himself throughout the rest of the store while I hid in the freezer case for the duration of the excursion. Mnemosyne ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 22:43:27 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: (fwd) Re: "Did You Know That Foreigners Don't Pay Taxes!!!!" Message-ID: <34724ace.415571949@mail.clark.net> On Sun, 9 Nov 1997 11:51:27 +0000, in alt.folklore.urban procida@cf.ac.uk (D.M. Procida) wrote: wrote: > However, I vaguely remember Ross Perot on a talk show being asked if > this was true during the '92 campaign. If memory serves, he hinted > darkly that it MIGHT be. It is certainly true. Foreigners are very cunning. You can tell from seeing that they have beetle brows which wiggle suspiciously when telling lies or commiting fraud. Don't give them your money. They bribe the tax-collectors, of course. Foreigners are well-known for this; also for wringing their hands together and cringing. They speak in a wheedling manner. They eat oily food, and their clothes are too tight also (except for the American. He talks overly much of himself while in company and plays visibly with his testicles in conversations, but his clothes and food are not likewise). Especially the shoes worn by the foreigners are too shiny for a respectable person to wear. The foreigner, he is not a respectable man! By having their cunning ways and means they speedily avoid the duties of the good citizen. The English are wise to mistrust foreigners, and don't let him run into their country, except for the Scottish and the Welsh who were there already and instead are subject to the famous policy of Containment (under Pain of Death). Myself, I am a foreigner but treated with kindness greatly there though I have been taking much care to ensure of not offending by typical carelessness - of course you understand my meaning! I hope this reply (which I have sent in the privately emails and also in the Usenet) will be useful and helping to your researches. D.M. Procida ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 22:43:28 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: (fwd) Re: whiplash scam Message-ID: <34734d8f.416276589@mail.clark.net> On 7 Nov 1997 20:41:18 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban warinner@typhoon.xnet.com (Robert Warinner) wrote: Julie Waddle (julie@arcana.com) wrote: : The "people fake injuries for money or attention" is : very common (and has been for a long time)(just think : about the "lawyer chasing ambulance" jokes), but when did : the "somebody caught them at it" variation begin? Also, : does anyone have recent sightings of the story, or of the : variation where the case goes to court, and photos or a : clever lawyer prove the physical health? And of course, : can anybody find a real case? How about this: * After a four-day trial in Greensburg, Pa., in March, Sarah M. Milliken, 48, lost her lawsuit against the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation for alleged, lingering back injuries she suffered in 1991 when her car skidded out of control on an icy spot in the road. She was done in by a videotape supplied by her now-estranged husband, showing her a year after the accident in a bathing suit wrestling with another woman in a vat of coleslaw during Biker Week in Daytona Beach, Fla. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 3-22-96] WEIRDNUZ.435 (News of the Weird, June 7, 1996) by Chuck Shepherd In the "How did they ever think they could get away with it" department: * In August, the San Diego Union-Tribune reported that hundreds of former pro athletes, some of whom like Joe Montana and Bo Jackson earned millions of dollars a year, were also paid worker compensation benefits under California's lenient law that makes such payments for injured workers an absolute entitlement. Some other states, by contrast, restrict pro athletes' claims. WEIRDNUZ.455 (News of the Weird, October 25, 1996) by Chuck Shepherd Andrew "coleslaw?" Warinner warinner@xnet.com warinner@ttd.teradyne.com http://www.xnet.com/~warinner Home of the Flying Chickens: http://www.xnet.com/~warinner/chickens.html ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 22:43:32 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Beatles songs Message-ID: <347b7ea1.428840861@mail.clark.net> On 6 Nov 1997 08:21:24 CST, in rec.humor IN:hurdemiu@naspa.net wrote: YESTERDAY Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. ============================================ Songs to program by... Eleanor Rigby ------------- leanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Guru MacKenzie Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Look at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; It takes a while... All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Eleanor Rigby Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work; Feels like a jerk. Guru MacKenzie Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; Nothing will load. All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? =================================== Unix Man (Nowhere Man) -------- He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody. Knows the blocksize from du(1) Cares not where /dev/null goes to Isn't he a bit like you And me? UNIX Man, please listen(2) My lpd(8) is missin' UNIX Man The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. He's as wise as he can be Uses lex and yacc and C UNIX Man, can you help me At all? UNIX Man, don't worry Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ... Making all his UNIX plans For nobody. ================================== Write in C ("Let it Be") ------------------------ When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C." As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C. ========================= Something --------- Something in the way it fails, Defies the algorithm's logic! Something in the way it coredumps... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this problem somehow Somewhere in the memory I know, A pointer's got to be corrupted. Stepping in the debugger will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'm too close to leave it now You're asking me can this code go? I don't know, I don't know... What sequence causes it to blow? I don't know, I don't know... Something in the initializing code? And all I have to do is think of it! Something in the listing will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this tonight I vow! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 22:43:33 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: recipe Message-ID: <347c7f4e.429014010@mail.clark.net> On Thu, 06 Nov 1997 19:24:38 -0500, in rec.humor Rick wrote: The Best Fruit Cake Ever 1 cup butter 1 tsp salt 1 cup sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit 1 cup nuts 1 tsp baking powder 1 tsp baking soda 1 or 2 quarts whiskey Before you start, sample the whiskey for quality. Good, isn't it? Now, go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the whiskey again, as it must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pour one level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat... With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy owl. Add 1 tsp of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the whiskey is of the highest quality. Dry another tup. Open second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat until high. If druit gets buck in steaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey again, checking for tonscicticity. Next, sift 3 cups of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter. Sample the whiskey. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find, and wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the whiskey, again, and bo to ged. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 22:43:29 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: whiplash scam pt.2 Message-ID: <34744e71.416502979@mail.clark.net> On 9 Nov 1997 06:00:26 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban "Vicki Parslow-Stafford" wrote: Workers Compensation Boards in various Australian states have been vigorously pursuing fraudulent claims for some years now; photos and videotapes are obviously prime ways of collecting evidence. I remember the case you refer to (the belly dance), and an eqally notorious one which was shown on the TV news when the case went to court, of a guy on compensation for a back injury romping along with his German Shepherd through an obstacle course, including demonstrating to the dog how to negotiate sone of the obstacles.) My favourite, though, which I still think smells UL-ish, was told by the trainer in a course on investigation skills I attended. The trainer was a Crown Law solicitor who prosecuted Workers Comp fraud cases. He claimed he was in court representing the Crown in a case involving a young man on compo for (what else?) a back injury. The Crown's investigators produced a video of the man standing on the back of a truck unloading a palette of bricks and tossing them to an off-sider (who was not shown). The young man's defense claimed that the person on the truck wasn't the defendent, but his twin brother. The twin brother was in court and duly showed himself, and, as identity couldn't be established, the prosecution case collapsed. As they were leaving court, the prosection solicitor commented to the defendent how lucky he had been. "Luckier than you think, mate" said the young man "I was catching the bricks". Like I said, the solicitor claimed this happened to him, but it seems too good to be true. Vicki PS czetie@nospamus.oracle.com wrote in article <34638E68.744D@nospamus.oracle.com>... > Julie Waddle wrote: > > > [snip fictional example of the thing sought] > > > > The "people fake injuries for money or attention" is > > very common (and has been for a long time)(just think > > about the "lawyer chasing ambulance" jokes), but when did > > the "somebody caught them at it" variation begin? Also, > > does anyone have recent sightings of the story, or of the > > variation where the case goes to court, and photos or a > > clever lawyer prove the physical health? And of course, > > can anybody find a real case? > > > > About three years ago on British tv (probably Channel 4) > they had an excellent prog about private investigators, and > among the segments (missing children, insider shoplifting, > etc) was one on exactly this topic: a small team of > investigators who specialised in catching out claimants > whose voracity the insurance companies doubted. They were > shown trying to get video and photos of a woman claiming > back injuries prevented her from working. In the climax > of the scene they are sat in a Turkish restaurant drinking > champagne and generally celebrating, having followed the woman > there to find her performing as a belly dancer. She has > no idea who they are nor why they are celebrating so > enthusiastically. > > If memory serves (m****) that particular segment was filmed > in Australia, and the prog gave the impression that what we > were seeing was authentic, not a re-enactment. > > Now this isn't exactly what Julie wanted, because it is the > insurance company deliberately investigating suspected > fraud rather than the victim of the deceit accidentally > stumbling on it, so it does lack a little of the moral > character, but it's pretty close. And the particular case > they chose to show has it's own little irony: the fraudster > that they have been pursuing fruitlessly for days throws > the evidence they need right in front of them. > ------------------------------ End of INTERNUTS Digest V01 Issue #36 *************************************