INTERNUTS Digest Thu, 13 Nov 1997 Volume 01 : Issue 39 Today's Topics: black labs cigarette slogan Campus squirrels Campus squirrels pt. 2 Campus squirrels part 3 Campus squirrels parte quatre return of the Campus squirrels part five speedo (fwd) Re: Calvin urinating on logo (fwd) Re: True "Religious" Joke (fwd) Hell - Cold or Hot? Halloween Survival Guide (a little late) (fwd) Really! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:45:51 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: black labs Message-ID: <3470d93c.58930926@mail.clark.net> On Tue, 11 Nov 97 13:07:31 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban nojay@ibfs.hormeldemon.co.uk (Robert Sneddon) wrote: In article <6471tg$2fd1@eccws1.dearborn.ford.com> SAME "Ivan" writes: > Had several black Labradors that liked beer, too. > It made 'em fart a lot and they never seemed to want to go duck hunting > next morning, either. Labs are the canine equivalent of trash compactors. One of the funniest sights I saw was a Lab cross pup (and boy, was she cross) trying to shit a plastic bag she had eaten a couple of days before. She was paddling along on her forepaws, dragging her butt across a gravel drive andd howling her head off, as this thready sheet of plastic was slowly and painfully extruded from her behind. After a while laughing my head off I got a long-handled pair of pliers and assisted her. The howling was shorter but louder... -- To reply via email, remove the string "hormel" from my address. New Web pages at http://xoom.com/nojay/ - con reports and links Robert (nojay) Sneddon ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:45:52 GMT From: jKschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: cigarette slogan Message-ID: <3471da40.59191059@mail.clark.net> On Wed, 12 Nov 1997 10:12:58 -0500, in alt.folklore.urban Ivan <"PITHOG<"@>ALO.COM> wrote: Bob Ward wrote: > > On Tue, 11 Nov 1997 23:42:31 GMT, gls@infinet.com (Gary L. Smith) > wrote: > > >Trudi Marrapodi (wwwords@forgetaboutit.net) wrote: > >: jKschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) wrote: > > > >: > Isn't that a slogan once used in advertising cigarettes? > > > >: Indeed it is, at least if (m*tt* alert) my mother is to be believed, > >: although she could not recall the brand. The line was: "So round, so firm, > >: so fully packed." She used to tell my sisters and me that young men of her > >: era used to use this slogan to describe young women they found attractive. > >: But that none of these young women wanted to be described by the next > >: line: "So free and easy on the draw." > > > >"LSMFT -- Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco" > > > >Mother knows best. > > No, Chesterfield cigarettes were "So round, so firm, so fully > packed"... and LSMFT was "Loose strap means falling tit." LSMFT - was, "Lets Screw My Finger's Tired" Ivan, "that was a looooong time ago" T. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:45:53 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Campus squirrels Message-ID: <3478e5d9.62159900@mail.clark.net> On Tue, 11 Nov 1997 22:44:05 +0000, in alt.folklore.urban procida@cf.ac.uk (D.M. Procida) wrote: David Martin wrote that Nkem wrote: > > Does anybody have any interesting campus squirrels stories? I'm doing a > > newstory and need something to spice it up with. Well, yes I do, actually. When I was stupid several years ago at the University of Kent at Canterbury (UK) where the squirrels frolicked and gambolled in the woods I managed to get into an awful lot of trouble with the authorities. I put up a spoof notice on one of the university's newsgroups (ukc.adverts) for the first meeting of "The Crossbow Society", in which it was suggested that one of the first activities of this new and exciting student society would be to wander over to the residential part of campus (in the leafy woods) to shoot some squirrels. There was absolute outrage, which spread very fast indeed. People everywhere were demanding that the proposed squirrel-shoot be banned immediately by the authorities. I was denounced as a vicious barbarian, and the university newsgroups erupted with furious debate and recipes for squirrel. The offices of the Vice-Chancellor (the most senior figure in the university's administration) spent a horrid afternoon fielding local media enquries about the matter. The University's Registrar (another very senior figure) spent the same afternoon walking all over campus trying to find me so that he could deliver a letter to me in person. The letter contained an invitation for me to attend an urgent interview with the VC the next morning. The VC was extremely unamused by the whole affair, but there really wasn't very much he or the university could do about it. And as I said to the him in his fabulous wood'n'leather office, "I'd do it again tomorrow." D.M. Procida P.S. I'm afraid that last bit isn't quite true. -- "...the so-called support act, The Awkward Moments, climbed onstage unsmilingly, not even looking at the audience. They only played one song: "Autobahn". In German. For twenty minutes. Then they swaggered off, not once having acknowledged the crowd. Conceited arrogant swine." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:45:54 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Campus squirrels pt. 2 Message-ID: <3479e617.62221824@mail.clark.net> On 12 Nov 1997 04:33:53 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban hatunen@shell. (David Hatunen) wrote: In article <3468B29C.504@pilot.msu.edu>, Nkem wrote: >Does anybody have any interesting campus squirrels stories? I'm doing a >newstory and need something to spice it up with. At my prep school [1] the squirrels could fly. And did into open windows. At night. Thereby rousting an entire dorm. [1] Western Reserve Academy, if anyone cares. -- *********** DAVE HATUNEN (hatunen@wco.com) ************ * Daly City California: * * where San Francisco meets The Peninsula * ******* and the San Andreas Fault meets the Sea ******* ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:45:55 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Campus squirrels part 3 Message-ID: <347ae650.62279299@mail.clark.net> On Wed, 12 Nov 1997 11:57:23 +0000, in alt.folklore.urban Ben Walsh wrote: Nkem wrote: > > Does anybody have any interesting campus squirrels stories? I'm doing a > newstory and need something to spice it up with. A squirrel was going back to his car after giving his last lecture for the afternoon, and was surprised and delighted to meet his old friend the badger. The two went off to the students' union bar. They had one, and another, and went on and drank somewhere else, and the barman said "if you're going to be drinking here all night, I'm going to have to take your car keys. A lot of kids on the streets this time of year and I'm not having any of my customers driving drunk." The squirrel agreed and handed over the keys. So they kept drinking and crawled out at closing. The badger flagged down a taxi, the squirrel staggered home and then realised it was beginning to rain, the barman had his keys and there was no way he was waking the wife up at 2:00 am. So he slept there on the ground. Next morning, he woke up feeling absolutely shattered and made his way back to college. He stopped by the staff common room for a coffee, and the dean of the faculty said to him: "you look a bit rough. Out late last night?" "Yes," replied the squirrel. "I was locked out of my tree." ben "no, it happened to this squirrel of a friend of mine" w. -- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Drug dealers dealt heavy blow" | ben walsh -- Irish News | benw at iona dot com | http://bounce.to/heretic ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:45:56 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Campus squirrels parte quatre Message-ID: <347be685.62332220@mail.clark.net> On 12 Nov 97 13:05:29 GMT, in alt.folklore.urban "Sterling Brisbin" wrote: Nkem wrote in article <3468B29C.504@pilot.msu.edu>... > Does anybody have any interesting campus squirrels stories? I'm doing a > newstory and need something to spice it up with. > Waal, One autumn day in the dorm (our window opened onto the Dining Hall roof on this New England campus) my roomie & I were (or were supposed to be) tooling away, a squirrel came flying in thru the open casement window and proceeded to pull a nutty when he saw us there, running panicked laps around the room across desks, shelves, & walls at mid-height, yammering and making a helluva mess. Scared the wee-wee out of us. Took us about 5 long minutes to get our wits collected and deal with the critter. A real Buster Keaton-type slapstick scene. We finally trapped him (her?) under an up-turned wastebasket, and found ourselves panting and gaping at each other in the middle of the shambles that used to be our room, listening to the thing scrabbling around inside the wastebasket & wondering "NOW what do we do with this thing?" The answer, of course, was obvious, and came to us simultaneously without a word being necessary. We slid the wastebasket across the floor, opened the door, worked him over the threshold, then slid the thing quietly down the hall to our (rather obnoxious, as I recall) neighbors' door. As my roomie lined up the kick, I readied myself at the door. I threw the door open, the kick went up, aaaaaaaannnd . . . it's good! Whereupon we slammed the door closed, ran back to our room and enjoyed the sound effects from next door. Took them 10 minutes to deal with the thing - never did find out how they got rid of it. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:45:57 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: return of the Campus squirrels part five Message-ID: <348af936.67117922@mail.clark.net> On Wed, 12 Nov 1997 08:43:36 -0500, in alt.folklore.urban Mrovka wrote: On Tue, 11 Nov 1997, Philip L. Millwood wrote: > > > Nkem wrote: > > > Does anybody have any interesting campus squirrels stories? I'm doing a > > newstory and need something to spice it up with. > at georgetown university, the squirrels come up and beg for food. not scared at all. and there's one with no tail (we call him - obviously enough- "stumpy") who will run up and jump up on your leg if you wave a peanut at him. New students often think they're rabid 'cause they're so friendly. There are also strange all-black squirrels, who do not come up and grab your leg to beg for food like our other little mendicants. And at UNC-Asheville, the squirrels outside one of the dorms will throw acorns at you. Not friendly at all. Maybe that comes from being seen as one of the four food groups. suzi -maybe someday i'll know what i want from my life- -but then i'll be dead- -viva la vestibule!- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:45:57 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: speedo Message-ID: <347fed13.64010818@mail.clark.net> On Tue, 11 Nov 1997 20:29:35 -0700, in alt.tv.homicide Mehitabel wrote: Laura wrote: > > I doubt he will. I don't want him in my neighborhood! (then again, I > don't want my next-door neighbor, either, and the only thing he does is > mow the lawn in a Speedo) > > Laurajeanne Do you live in SE Calgary? Could we be cursed with the same Speedo-wearin' creep as a neighbour? Not only does this guy mow the lawn in a Speedo, but any gol-durn thing that he does outside, he does in a Speedo. Pouring concrete? Speedo. Weeding the garden? Speedo. Building the fence? Speedo. He even barbeques in the thing and I hope it catches up with him someday. Yick. 'bel ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:45:58 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: (fwd) Re: Calvin urinating on logo Message-ID: <3483f2be.65461931@mail.clark.net> On Tue, 11 Nov 1997 15:32:15 GMT, in rec.humor wje@netcom.com (William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm}) wrote: mecrebel@hotmail.com wrote: :I need help in locating a picture of Calvin of "Calvin and Hobbes" :urinating on either a Chevrolet or Ford logo. Any help will be :appreciated. If you want to locate one, do what I did. Just go out driving. You should see one on a truck within about 15 minutes. Then you will have located it. Hope this helps. -- Captain Nitpick It is now safe to turn off your computer. Bill Evans/Box 4829/Irvine, California 92616/(714)551-2766 _ /| ACK! Email-To: wje@acm.org -- PGP encrypted mail preferred. -- \`o_O' / Finger wje@netcom.com for public key. Key #: 441AFEA5 =( )= PGPprint: FB D0 1C 1D EF DC 26 BA B3 9E 84 0B 40 D6 59 9C U ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:45:59 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: (fwd) Re: True "Religious" Joke Message-ID: <3484f2e7.65502634@mail.clark.net> On Tue, 11 Nov 1997 13:56:19 -0800, in rec.humor ray mcnairy wrote: GWLucky wrote: > My thesis advisor and his wife were visiting here in northern New Mexico and we > drove through the beautiful Jemez mountains. Near the town of Jemez Springs, > we passed a retreat (Order of the Paracletes (sp?)) for priests who have > strayed generally in the direction of young men. SNIP Locally, the retreat is known as Club Ped. They also treat Priests who indulge in a little too much sauce. Remove one of the 2's from my address to reply Ciao, Ray (Boomer) McNairy "624" "So many fools, so few comets!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:46:00 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: (fwd) Hell - Cold or Hot? Message-ID: <3485f376.65645970@mail.clark.net> On Tue, 11 Nov 1997 15:54:12 -0500, in rec.humor Gail Feliciant wrote: I'm told this is a true story: A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question. Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving" I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. &1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. &2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Theresa Banyan during Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then &2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic." The student got an A. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:46:00 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: Halloween Survival Guide (a little late) Message-ID: <3486f3d8.65743522@mail.clark.net> On Tue, 11 Nov 1997 16:27:26 -0700, in rec.humor "Peter R. Sadlon" wrote: These and dozens new jokes at http://www.ucalgary.ca/~prsadlon Halloween Survival Guide =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead. *If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, move away immediately. *Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. *Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. *If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. *When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone. *As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. *Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead. *If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.* *If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. *Do not take *anything* from the dead. *If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. *Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. *If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. *If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible. *Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. *If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. *Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions. These and dozens new jokes at http://www.ucalgary.ca/~prsadlon ************************************************************** * Four thousand here from Pelop's Land; * * Against three million once did stand. * * _Enkidu * * prsadlon@freenet.calgary.ab.ca * ************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 18:46:01 GMT From: jschmitz@qis.net (JoAnne Schmitz) To: lnuts Subject: (fwd) Really! Message-ID: <3488f622.66329696@mail.clark.net> On 12 Nov 1997 14:25:44 GMT, in rec.humor gwlucky@aol.com (GWLucky) wrote: >From Eugene Oregon: The five people who abducted an Oregon toddler last weekend demanded five kilograms of cocaine as well as $50,000 for the boy's safe return, according to court documents. "The demand for narcotics raises our suspicion that there could be drugs involved" in the case, said police spokesman Capt. Doug Chambers. ------------------------------ End of INTERNUTS Digest V01 Issue #39 *************************************