"We would like to take this opportunity to present our own revised version of this bill, which we've dubbed the SSSCA 2002. As you will see, this bill is a much better vehicle for protecting the children of starving artists, musicians, and programmers and making the world a better place....
1. WHEREAS Congress finds that the vast majority of Internet users and entertainment consumers are thieves, pirates, miscreants, Communists, hackers, and anarchists, and that musicians, artists, writers, authors, directors, actors, programmers and executives are suffering undue harm as a result, we hereby enact the Secure Software Systems for the Children Act of 2002 to declare war against copyright, trademark, patent, and trade secret violations throughout the world.
2. WHEREAS Congress finds that libraries, public and private, represent a serious loophole by which consumers can access copyrighted works at no charge, we hereby prohibit all libraries from receiving any Federal money or assistance whatsoever. Moreover, all foreign aid shall be indefinitely withheld from those nations harboring copyright terrorists in the form of taxpayer-supported librarians....
5. WHEREAS Congress finds that the term for copyrights, trademarks, and patents is too short for authors to effectively squeeze every last ounce of money out of them, we hereby extend the term of all copyrights, trademarks, and patents to last until the year 500000 A.D. Moreover, the law that prohibits Federal agencies from copyrighting their products is hereby repealed....
8. WHEREAS Congress finds that a highly educated citizenry is less likely to enjoy the low-quality material currently produced by the content industry, thus reducing the profit and tax revenue generated by Hollywood, we hereby prohibit any public or private school from holding back underperforming students, and require that said students be pushed through the system regardless of their reading or cognitive ability or lack thereof. Henceforth, no pro-reading or literacy program shall receive Federal funding in any form whatsoever....
14. WHEREAS Congress finds that the public will wholeheartedly support any legislation that claims to be "for the children", we hereby decree that a court, at its discretion, may require copyright violators to pay a fine that will go into a trust fund to be used to help support the starving children of low-income artists and musicians harmed by intellectual property theft." [Humorix, via LibraryPlanet.com]
